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Other recommended blogs: Amy, Calpernia, Claire, Gwen, Kara, Reise, W3bgrl-Auntie Solder.
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Sunday, 2003.03.02:
It feels like just yesterday I rolled over these blogs from January to February, but I guess it really was 4 weeks ago. Where was I then? Hm, I was just right before the trach shave and I had just (well, sorta) recovered from a nasty flu. I can't remember much about that time but it's probably all in the blogs. I'm just too lazy to go back and read them right now.
Right now I am very tired. Not like normal where I have been up late night gaming, though that did in fact happen. Rather, I've been helping renovate a friend's house. So I spent part of these past weeknights and this whole weekend pretty much over at my friend's doing this and that. When I wasn't scrubbing hardwood floors or moving furniture I was vacuuming and tending to the pool. Even on one trip to Home Depot I was schlepping boxes of wall mud. (Those old arm and back muscles sure don't work the same as before!) Having a house is a lot of work. Repainting and reconfiguring bits of the house is even more work.
On the fun side my friend and I made dinner in house. We were debating what to do for dinner because we were both bored of getting fast food and we couldn't really think of a restaurant. Then came the idea: why don't we just cook in? Duh! So she scribbled down the recipes and we hunted for them at the supermarket. I can't remember the name of the recipe but it had chicken marinated in a mushroom-madiera sauce with some asparagus and lightly topped with grated mozzarella cheese. It came out quite tasty, though we all wished it had more of the yummy sauce.
My voice is coming back pretty good---that is, the guy voice. Still following doctor's orders I haven't touched any of my upper range. I'm still frustrated with not being able to use it. What's even more frustrating is everyone (and I mean everyone) is addressing me as female and I can't respond in kind. Since my guy voice is unmistakably male-ish I usually try to get in the first word so they'll gender me as male. I don't know how much more I can take of this. It's just so ... limiting. If I never had a passable voice I wouldn't care so much, but I think I really got to a place where the tonal qualities were mainstream female enough that no one would mistake me for a girl.
I picked up a pair of crap computer speakers today at the electronics store. Yup. Me, a person who demands higher fidelity audio actually settled for crap. Ah, but there is a reason! Well, since I still do computer gaming activities I may be needing to cart around my CPU starting very soon. Rather than bring my bulky stereo I decided to get a pair of mini speakers. I'm breaking them in listening to ATB's "Halcyon" and I have to tell you again these speakers suck. No bass at all. But, again, the goal is highly portable gaming. They only cost me a couple of $$$ so I'm not feeling cheated since I expected the to wholeheartedly suck. What I'm hoping is that Jen has got some speakers she isn't using and I'll be able to borrow them for home use---much higher quality ones! I have a song which I'm co'op-ing with another friend and I need decent audio for that.
Taxes. Still haven't done them. I really should have. I was hoping to have done them earlier last month, but I guess it'll have to be done tomorrow or something.
Monday, 2003.03.03:
"The diet starts tomorrow." That's what we all say, right? I was looking at myself in the mirror and noticing how pudgy I've become. Eep! So, I need to cut back on the food and figure out how to get my size down a little. You figure weight management is a simple science: take in more calories than your body expends and you gain weight, create a deficit of calories and you lose weight.
I tried to be good today, though. Lunch was a smidge of leftovers and a cup of yogurt. This was hardly filling considering how much overeating I've done in the past three weeks. Did I ever say why I was doing that? Actually, I probably haven't mentioned the overeating. OK. Back up...
So, I guess it has been about 8 full months since I've been on what I consider full HRT. Though change is slow, the typical trends of change have been happening. You know, the whole body shape going from bulky-muscular-brawny to more curvy-demure-cute. Granted, I'm far from having any decent curves (and realistically won't ever get them) but 8 months really does make a difference overall. When I look in the mirror it's pretty scary that there's a girl standing there.
| Actually, if you recall, I was having some major throat irritation problems and found that soda and creamy foods actually helped quell the discomfort. Drinking all that soda and juice totally threw off my normal diet and I came up with this silly weight-gaining idea. |
Right around the middle of last week I thought about things and reconsidered this anti-diet campaign. Really, it's more of practical concerns prompting me to change---namely, my jeans are a wee bit too tight.
Thus I vowed to get
back on a sensible eating regimen and all that.Dinner today was salad with a side of stuffed mushrooms. <homer voice> Mmm...stuffed mushrooms... </homer voice> I also took a few chunks of Steven's lasagna. Tasty. It turned out to be filling enough and yet light. All this was at a local pizzeria that our group of friends frequents. And now for a segue.
Segue...
Steven and I were talking at the table while we were waiting for food when I just paused and asked, "Steve, you ever step outside yourself and listen to yourself in the third person?" He shook his head, I shrugged. I had just come to the realization how silly I looked and sounded.
Sure, Jen and Sarah and others call me Ping because, well, that's about the best way to describe me at present. But I always think that I can still pull off the old guy attitude, posture, etc. that I've clung to for all these years like a security blanket. So, in my conversation with Steve I'm starting to take note at the cadence and intonantion of my speech, my sitting position, my hand gestures. And the pure silliness of how others must be perceiving me hits me upside the head. Thwack! I am not the same guy that I used to be a year ago. For lack of a better description, I think my physical presentation and gestures are just coming across "fruity" now. Even I'm thinking it's uncool.
This doesn't really bother me in the sense that I'm embarrassed about who/what I am and how I look/sound right now. Rather, it's a realization of a change in attitude that I figured would happen but didn't quite think would turn out like this. I would describe my general outward presentation to be more female than male. I figure this is likely due to a couple of things:
-
Social reconditioning is working. I'm spending a lot more
time in womenspace and am picking up cues all of the time. I've
had a number of occasions in recent memory where I've done something
then I internally kick myself for having done it, making a mental
note not to do that again because it's uncharacteristic for a lady
to do. There's a lot of nuances about the way males and females
socially interact that we don't think of until you're actually in
that role.
-
I'm leaving the Guy Mask behind. Somewhere in a Ramble way
back when I'm pretty sure I described myself not as feeling so much
trapped inside a man's body but rather feeling like I'm wearing a
mask all of the time. It's like my core personality is inherently
feminine and gets "masculinized" through a mask/layer so the world
treats me like a guy. Anyways, I think I'm finally ceasing to rely
on that mask because I don't care for it anymore. I'm now more just
"me" than a filtered/contorted version of "me".
The Saga of Tuck. I have never really read this until now. At present I'm at the end of Chapter 3 and Jen was right: this is a fun read. Jen also noted that for some reason she was really drawn to this story, a "visceral reaction" as she puts it. I can totally see why. Even after reading just the first chapters there's this sense of "gee, this could have been real and I could have been in Tuck's shoes". That's freaky. Well, a good story does that to me. I like that the world that Tuck lives in is filled with fairly well-described characters in a realistic manner and that the interactions and situations aren't really that far fetched. What's even freakier is that I know people who I swear are like Tuck---this only adds to the realism of the story. Check it out if you've never read it.
Tuesday, 2003.03.04:
The consequences of having a salad last night finally caught up to me around 3:30a today. I was hungry. I got up to use the bathroom and then settled back into my comfy layers of flannel sheets only to find that after 10 minutes of tossing around that something was indeed amiss. I ran through my usual checklist:
- Thirsty? No.
- Bathroom needs? No, just went.
- Plugged nose? No, it's fine.
- Hungry? No--wait...maybe...yep.
Friday, 2003.03.07:
Well, I decided to do an impulse purchase. I got a new keyboard. Hopefully this will reduce my stupid lingering RMI (repetitive motion injury) problem. I'm still trying to get used to the split in the middle of the keyboard and the fact that the Insert, Delete, End, and Home buttons are in really awkward places. But the curve seems to be working.It's a nice keyboard but the $100 price tag was a wee bit much. Though, it is wireless, comes w/ a mouse, and has good key action. Eh, maybe I can find some way to justify the cost.
I think the weirdest thing about the keyboard is that it has a numeric keypad. Duh. Most keyboards do. But keep in mind that I've been using my laptop primarily and that means the absence of one. So since I'm a right hand mouser, the lack of a numpad means I don't have to stretch to reach the mouse. But, for this Microsoft keyboard I have to mouse on the left side to make it comfortable.
I've been reading way too much Tuck. When I've been bored I've been sort of flipping through the chapters. I think I've probably spent about an hour a day reading it. I talked to Jen the other night and she was commenting on how the story just sucked her in as well.
Life sucks right now. I feel so limited. Up until about 5 weeks ago I was starting to go out more in Amber Mode. But since then all I've been doing is working, lounging at home, and helping a friend fix her house. I mean, I don't exactly have the most exciting life but it's a lot more flexible than the present predicament. It'll be over soon. It'll be over soon. It'll be over soon. I keep chanting that to myself in a feeble attempt to raise my morale. Oh well, I was smiling the other day when Jen was telling me about an SNL " Delicious Dish" skit with Alec Baldwin.
Saturday, 2003.03.08:
OK, I'm really fed up w/ Win XP and Expanded Memory Management. For the life of me I can't get it to work. A friend passed a sound module file to me the other day and said we should get "back to our roots" and write some music again. I was like, "yeah, it's probably about time to get back into it," but the persistent problem I noted before was for some reason I've never been able to get EMM to work. Beats me. I've set the PIF info and tweaked a copy of the config.nt to no avail. I'm trying to get this legacy tracker (as in MOD tracker) to run and... Argh. Maybe I'll just have to pass on doing MODs altogether. I'm using a software synth that's a magnitude better than the old tracker apps.
Wandered across Al Lowe's site for some reason, probably as I was searching for EMM386 docs. (Al's the one of Leisure Suit Larry game fame.) Nostalgia hit me hard---the old memories of gaming in the 80s came back. Apple Cider Spider, Monster Laboratory, (Super) Boulderdash, Spy Hunter, Impossible Mission, Dark Castle, Lode Runner, Kings Quest, Space Quest, Archon, Leisure Suit Larry (of course), Marble Madness, Arctic Fox, Choplifter, Congo Bongo, Sabotage, Thexder (does anyone remember this?), and so many more. Somewhere I still have lots of old flattened software cartons (yes! originals!) of many of these games.
I dunno why I still hold onto these things. I still have lots of Atari 2600 cartridges in another box with manuals, an ancient Atari video pinball machine w/ 7 built-in games, and the old family NES. Somewhere. In boxes. Probably in my garage.
Nostalgia.
Sunday, 2003.03.09:
Marianne, a friend I met a few years ago, just became a Meltzer graduate. She called me up on my cell this morning all doped up on Percocet. She told me with ecstatic glee about her packing removal and first dilation. It was cool. I'm glad she pulled through quite well and the depth appears to be good! She's also saying I should visit Scottsdale, Arizona, because it's a nice place. You know what? I just may next year.
Voice sucks too. I did a range test yesterday and was quite displeased. But this morning, for some reason, I was woken up by my aforementioned cell and immediately answered in Girl Voice. Making mental note that it sounded like sh-- but was at least semi-possible I just continued on in it for like the rest of the 15-minute conversation. I'm a little bit happier that I'm not so trapped, but I'm still quite depressed I'm dreading a second surgery. Even though the doc says that I probably shouldn't need it, it is plainly obvious to me that there is a serious obstruction on the vocal folds now and I doubt that's going to go away w/out intervention. *sigh*
Taxes suck. I am so procrastinating over them. e.g. I shouldn't be writing this right now. I'm supposed to go to a movie today as well. I have no motivation to do taxes and I'm proud of it.
Good thing SmoothJazz.com streams are putting me in a good mood. Almost good enough to want to do taxes. *gasp!*
...
Chicago is awesome. I would see it again. I think it was definitely worth the money for its two hours of entertainment. If you like musicals go see this.
Before the movie just poked around at a music store and found one of my old favorites: Ozzy Osbourne "No More Tears". I think I heard it when I was in high school. I have the tape somewhere in a box and have been debating transferring it to MP3 even though the quality would be sub-par by now. Seeing as how a brand new CD was $10 I couldn't resist getting it. There isn't a track on the album that I don't like. Now if I can just find some of the other albums I'm looking for at a reasonable price.
...
Oh, remember how I can't get EMM to show up in WinXP? Well, I've been Google-ing and have come up w/ several threads which point to a Windows implementation error. As a result, on certain motherboards you can't enable EMM no matter how hard you try. This is just spiffy.
Monday, 2003.03.10:
Ah, the taste of freedom again---see 2003.03.10 entry. Even though my voice totally is sucky, I think it's good enough to at least not be Sirred. Went out to dinner and over the mall for some gift shopping. Not one weird look I think. And this was me still in my boring, baggy, trashy work clothes. Heh.
So, now it's a retraining and waiting game. I can tell that my throat does not feel quite right. But, I trust Dr. Orisek and what he has said so far has made sense. I just need to have patience and retrain my range. Within maybe a few more weeks it'll be back to "normal".
Ugh. Now the retraining process is going to be a bear... What I plan on doing each day is singing ascending scales in the morning and afternoon. Hopefully it'll allow me to build up stamina, regain control, and tweak the resonance until I like the sound. First order of business is relearning how to make any sound. It is obvious that after a certain point all I get is wind rushing past the folds rather than air vibrations---this is likely the nodules' fault. But as thing have been healing, that point where vibration breaks into wind is continually rising. That's good news.
Wednesday, 2003.03.12:
Finally! Finally!!!!!!!! I had a night out in Amber Mode. Gawrsh it has been forever and a day. I mean, the last time I attempted something was I think about 3 weeks ago and that was only for a few hours at night so that doesn't count. And 5 weeks ago I went under the knife, but I went out a day or so before that. But tonight I just said, "oh, what the hey" and met up with an old friend for dinner. It was a good one too---calamari fritti, crab cocktail, garlic prawns over angel hair pasta, and a crème brûlée. Mmm mmm mmm... It definitely has been a departure from my diet of salads and soup these past couple of weeks. No kidding. I was disgusted I didn't fit into some of my jeans as easily so I started restricting my carbo and caloric intake. No, I am not starving myself. I'm being more creative with my choices; ergo, less fatty foods, more greens, no soda. It usually works for me.
Anyways, back to the original topic: going out. I just needed to get out in Amber Mode---is this the Transsexual Imperative I've been told about? I have felt really cooped up in my own body. And even though I know my voice is still crap, it's good enough to get by, and that's just good enough for me right now while I'm retraining the darned thing. Visually I don't think I have a problem, so at least that's one less thing to worry about. But I digress. Again. Ahem.
Needing to go out is just something that is ... uh ... a need. It's like now that I've had enough time in Amber Mode I just naturally fall into that role. Even though there's stupid guy habits that still are there, no one questions me these days, but perhaps more importantly I don't question myself. There's no more wavering. I know why I'm here and what I'm doing---and the consequences of such. Now, it's more of a waiting game than anything else. Waiting for the day when I can sort of put this transition stuff behind me and just move on.
It's funny, I think, that I don't have a clear cut goal of what I want to do post-transition (notice I didn't say post-op). I have general goals but no exact path. I have things I want to accomplish, but I'm sorta going with the flow. The one thing I know I want to do at the moment is escape from the Guy Life. Not that it's that bad, but it just feels increasingly foreign. It's hard to describe the feeling. I'm not sure when I started to think this way but I think it has been in the last 5 weeks. Maybe the past 5 created an actual contrast in my life. Or something.
Ah, well, anyways it's back to reading SoT (Saga of Tuck). I'm closer to Chapter 30 now. Only 63 to go!
Saturday, 2003.03.15:
I went up to see that friend that I mentioned last month because she just returned from her op. After scaling that treacherous dirt pathway up the hill to her house on the hill, I almost keeled over laughing so hard as Marianne walked out of the house. There she was waddling over to greet me in her bathrobe with the fluffiest bunny slippers I have ever seen. And her waddle made the two sets of bunny ears flop and dance. "A gift from some friends," she said. I could do no less than point and giggle.
Dr. Meltzer does good work and Mari didn't mind showing off her results. She's healing up quite nicely and has amazingly little swelling. It is swollen and odd-colored, no doubt, but it's definitely in good shape. And she's stuck doing the 4x/day dilation schedule. "9, 1, 5, and 9," she groaned. Given the prep, dilation, and cleanup, she only gets like 3 hours in between sessions. (Life is what happens in between dilations indeed.) And, I thought I had seen a #1 Stensitive dilator before, but this just refreshed my memory. My goodness it's large. But that's nothing compared to my faint memories of seeing the #5 a long time ago---you can probably club a seal with that thing. (Not that I'm advocating seal-clubbing or anything.) For her, dilation isn't painful, rather it's just boooorrriingg. I sat through her boring 1:00 session. She turned the Tivo on and we watched that episode of South Park where they parody Lord of the Rings.
So, yup, one of these days I'll probably be making a trek to Scottsdale.
Later stayed up into the wee hours of the next morn playing Warcraft III. Again. Almost like every weekend.
Sunday, 2003.03.16:
Woke up real late. Was going to go shopping at the outlet malls today but figured that 1) I didn't want to go alone and 2) it was already pretty late into the day. So, I just boiled up a simple pot of pasta and some canned marinara. Hey, it's a quick and easy meal.
Saw Moulin Rouge finally. Borrowed the DVD from my colleague. Me like. I'm a sucker for musicals. Me also like Chicago. Probably for the same reason. Moulin's cinematography was awesome. The color, the texture, the action. I was having a problem following the story at some points because I was just mesmerized by the visual display. That and realizing Ewan McGregor is cute indeed. This, of course, leads to a discussion about a few things...
Monday, 2003.03.17:
Five of us were Jen's guinea pigs tonight again as she cooked up some more Chicken Madiera---apparently one of her favorites from The Cheesecake Factory. I thought it was pretty good and no complaints from the other four guests were heard; Jen had a real critical eye on herself. We tried to reassure her that we enjoyed it.
Of more interesting note, I was one of the five people at the dinner table and one of those people only knows me as Amber. Good thing Jen told me to come prepared. I got there a little early and had a small bag in tow. In it was a real bra, my hairbrush, and a stick of cream foundation. I bounced into the house about 1/2 hour before the other guest arrived, said "hi" to Jen, and then walked to the bathroom. Quick change of bra, a light combing of the hair, and a tiny bit of foundation completed the transformation---I had been hiding a blouse all day under my jacket so I didn't need to swap that. Then the guests started showing up in a few.
Terry showed up about the same time as Sarah and Andrew. I had met Terry about half a year ago at one of Jen's parties and he seemed to recognize me. Keep in mind that the last time I saw him I had only been on HRT about 3 months. My body has changed quite a bit since then.
Anyways, so all of us had a good
dinner with usual chitchat; what strikes me as funny is that I don't think
Terry has a clue and tomorrow morning I gotta go back to work and do the Guy
Thing. How do I do it? I dunno. Hehe...At the tail end of dinner who shows up but Christian, a guy I had heard lots about but never met until now. He's tall, dark-haired, and has this burned-out engineer kinda look to him. We got introduced and we shook hands as he sat right next to me. Then came the barrage of questions like "oh, so where do you work" and "how did you come to know The Gang". I truthfully told about the workplace but gave the usual line about The Gang: "oh, I just met these people through friends of friends." I'm going to have to be more inventive than that, but it is the truth even though it doesn't sound all that convincing. Grr...
What made me sort of raise my eyebrows was he first thought I was Marla, Terry's sister I guess. Christian also had this sort of weird look on his face too. He was doing a little of the scan of my face and stuff. But it was harmless. And, no, I don't think he figured it out either---thank goodness my voice is finally starting to really mend otherwise it would have been rather embarrassing. He certainly was surprised that I was a programmer by trade and a gamer by hobby. (No, I didn't initiate the conversation that led to that but it just came out in the ramblings.) So, he went on about consoles and joysticks and stuff. I'm sure if he asked about RTSs and FPSs that we would have had a long, involved conversation.
Much much later the evening was winding down and people started to leave. I kinda avoided Chris a little, but not overtly. Don't ask why. I wasn't embarrassed or threatened by him in any way. It's just an instinctive thing I guess, especially since I don't know him all that well first-hand. We just said goodbyes later and that was it. And now that's yet another person who has and will only know me as Amber. And I'm not full-time yet. Amazing. I think I'm going to be talking to my management real soon about transition plans. The next hurdle is nearer than we think...
On a completely unrelated note, Claire Voyant has a good sound. It's like a cross between The Coors and Fatboy Slim: lofty female vocals, lush background pads, sharp guitar, and a bit of techno edge.
And while listening to this, go and play Text Twist on the MSN Games site.
Politics: I can't believe our Administration. We're going to go to war prolly in less than 24 hours when most of the world (including the Americans) are screaming "don't use force!" But, nope, our Government has their own agenda and they're going to drag us all down in it. I think it's silly that we're doing this w/out U.N. support, let alone a good reason to really go for war. It's just so ... needless.
Wednesday, 2003.03.19:
As I descended the stairs the POP! was followed by a second KA-POP! I heaved a heavy sigh as I walked back towards the kitchen. One glance at the microwave door told me to expect the worst...
I should really have listened to my little Shoulder Devils today. After opening the can and pouring the soup into a shallow bowl, the Good One started telling me: I think you should cover this. But of course the Evil One in my head chimes in: nah, it'll be alright; you can leave it be. To which my other side replied: yeah, but don't things like this tend to explode. At that point, I think the Evil One stuck her tongue out at the Good One, and in the end I just said, "oh, what the heck." I tapped the Quick On button three times and walked away thinking that I'd have hot soup in about 1:30. Of course, when I returned to the snap-crackle-pop I quickly found out that the soup had exploded in the microwave. Most of the ceiling of the oven was coated in drippy yellow chicken stock and a chunk of carrot was on the side after probably having been launched a few inches. Oops.
Today was a dead day. I just was so listless after having stayed up to 2:45a listening to one of my friends talk about her problems about her other friends. It was a very very very long conversation. And then I got up around 8:00a to get ready for work. It's a good thing I took a shower the night previous so I wouldn't have to sacrifice any more sleep.
It surprised me but I actually got to check in a large chunk of Java code today. After doing a test compile in a different environment I found out that there was something very wrong with the setup and it took me over half a day to track down the problem. It was a silly error after all but it sent me on a wild goose chase. Ugh. What a wasted day. On the other hand, while waiting for all the EJBs to compile and my WebLogic server to keep restarting, I had a lot of time to do nothing in particular. Seeing as how I had the extra time, I got up to Chapter 55 of the Saga of Tuck...
...
Kasugai Roasted Hot Green Peas rock. They really do. You can prolly find them at Asian stores, but once in a while I've seen them at a Safeway or two. Seth introduced me to these years ago and they've been a favorite snack of mine. And as he would say: so happy. Yum. (Oh, Happiness Bonus: I also flat out trounced Seth with the "Rival Nations v2.8 Pro" WC3 scenario. Muahahahaa...! [I can't believe how geeky I am some days. Sigh.])
Friday, 2003.03.21:
It always cracks me up with the spam that I (and probably you) get: "Amber Grow Your Penis Size Naturally!" Um ... yeah. Wait, maybe I shouldn't knock it. There could be one advantage: more material for SRS. But, I don't quite think I'd have any other need for it. Heh.
I saw my endocrinologist (technically internal medicine specialist) a few days ago and she said I'm getting along well. On the Tanner scale I'm like a Stage IV. For some reason I thought I'd not get there until a while later, but hey I'll take it now.
Also found out some interesting things. My doc noted taking medication sublingually is typically bad, especially with estrogens. She believes that the transdermal method is actually the best for a number of reasons: it delivers a constant dose over a long period of time, it bypasses the liver completely, it's a natural way to receive them. She has told me on a number of occasions that researchers believe that the cycling of estrogen levels (even intrados) can lead to greater risks of cancer. Estrogens taken sublingually produce estrogen level spikes because the medication is absorbed quickly---so, if you're trying to avoid spikes then this obviously defeats that purpose. Also, she noted that rapid hormonal level changes may result in odd pains including headaches. So, the best advice was to keep the dosing steady and low and let your biology do the rest.
Can't sleep. It's like 4:50a and I rolled out of bed about an hour ago. Completed my rebate forms for the evil Turbo Tax and will mail them later today. And I'm dreading tonight already. I will have to take a nap in the afternoon otherwise I'm going to collapse this weekend. Tonight is games, tomorrow is housework+games, and Sunday is housework+additional cleaning. It's going to be a labor-intensive and late-hours weekend. I'm trying to figure out what will help me sleep. I've got a mug of warmed milk and some leftover wasabi peas. Maybe with these things I'll conquer insomnia soon.
What else to babble about? Oh, yeah, I had an anti-salad yesterday. I got this salad (which had lettuce!) that had cheese, eggs, bacon, deep fried chicken, and a creamy sauce. It was very tasty, but totally defeats the purpose of a salad, IMO. What's worse is that I actually ordered it forgetting I probably shouldn't order it, and when the order came I didn't remember I ordered it. I think this has a lot to do with lack of sleep. But, if I can't sleep I dunno how we're going to help that problem. *sigh*
Sunday, 2003.03.23:
I am so sore. This weekend I spent most of the mornings helping to clean out a friend's house. We were doing a massive amount of cleaning which involved the removal of carpet and associated fixtures, shoveling dirt, chopping trees, tossing heavy chunks of door frames and wood, and tending to a pool. My hands are pretty raw and my muscles ache. My arm muscles are so weak now. Not only are they out of shape, I think their overall mass has declined in the past 9 months.
I don't think I mentioned in my last doctor's visit that I reported that to date I really haven't had any breast growth pains at all. Maybe 1x, and it was very short-lived. As in maybe 5 minutes one night. I thought this was perhaps a bad sign that something was awry or HRT wasn't being effective on me. I mean, almost everyone else I know has had sustained pains and lots of sensitivity during the course of their treatment. My doc reassured me it's not a problem, and perhaps even a good thing. But, I did note that in the 3 months of progesterones that I really haven't had much change in the nipple area. So, we're going to try to up the progesterones and see what happens. I think I'm going to get a gel formula.
Today I was feeling nostalgic. I think this was brought on after having read a few chapters in the Saga of Tuck about Tuck/Val's relationships. I started thinking about how I started going out w/ my last girlfriend...
We had been hanging out more and more because we were officers in a club. So, both of us tended to do a lot of the social activities organizing. One night I remember I was over at her house, her roommates all asleep. She had the loft and we sat in front of her computer making certificates for some awards I think from games we did at a picnic. It was late and I was sitting on her chair, she on the floor looking up. She started "fishing" with her head and the next thing I knew she was leaning against my leg. I took off my second shirt layer and draped it over her. She kinda nuzzled at my leg and dozed off. I can't quite remember after that, but we began to just get really physically close after that. I recall that some days later I was really tired and back at her place again, so I just kinda rolled over on the floor into my usual fetal position and then I found her draping a red and white knit blanket over me. I think I smiled and at some point she ended up cuddling w/ me under the blanket.
We were drawn together and hadn't really dated. Our relationship had a lot of cuddling. There was just something comfortable about it. I don't think I ever really pressured her about sex either---her companionship was more important. Sometimes I really miss those days.
Monday, 2003.03.24:
Ever have some of those days where you look in the mirror and think: the girl smiling back at me is pretty cute? Other days you're more like: SIGH, that's depressing. I guess I'm having an evening of the latter.
I stepped out of the shower, towelled myself off, and just kinda looked back and all I could think about were criticisms. Not enough of this, too much of that, you know... And I just felt really uncute for a while. I don't know what can be done. I mean, I don't plan to go in for FFS. (I don't think the benefit for the cost and pain is worth it.) So, I'm sort of stuck with what I have. I'm not masculine much any more, I would say. But, I'm not really all that feminine-looking. It's hard to describe. It's just, uh, blah.
I think I started thinking of this because of two things: went over to a friend's tonight for dinner---another TS---and she's got hips. I mean, genetically induced girl hips due to her own oddball chemistry. I guess a vein of jealousy sorta arose within me for a very brief moment and it made me feel sorta ugly. I was also watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding (cute movie, btw!) and they refer to our main character, Toula, as "Frump Girl", obviously not the most flattering thing. I guess I just got into a funk of thinking: I wonder how anyone could find a person like me attractive.
I think this is more my own distaste for my current in-between state and knowing full well that I'll never be as girlish as I'd love to have been. (In my mind the words echo: if only I had done this 15 years ago...) But, I recall things. Things that put everything in perspective.
I was over at The Cheesecake Factory recently and looking at the other Asian girls. I noticed a couple were about as uncurvy as me. Their facial features weren't all that great either. But they still looked kinda cute. I think the factor which really worked in their favor was their upbeat personality. And, when you think about that, it's more of your personality which will draw people to you. Physical attraction is a strong element, true; however, most people aren't supermodels. So, it's who you are that becomes the selling point, if you will. Keeping this in mind, what I have to do is keep letting go of my stupid sheepishness and self-consciousness. I need to relearn how to have fun. I hope you, too, will keep that in mind...
Saturday, 2003.03.29:
There's nothing like a long walk in the morning hours. Today was like the first day in forever since I've been going out to do anything remotely resembling exercise. I think what prompted me was my doc saying my blood pressure is going up. Oops. Of course the long work hours, long gaming hours, and little sleep don't help much either. (Yeah, I know I do it myself...)
If I needed further motivation there
was always the fact that clothes are getting a bit tight again...Sometime around 9:15a I kinda rolled out of bed after I had my 7 hours of sleep. I debated getting up and computing or reading or something, but then it occurred to me: dammit, it's a really nice day outside here and it's still early-ish. Seeing as how I didn't really have a good excuse not to exercise, I figured at least a half hour walk would do me good. It turned out to be a little under an hour, but whatever.
I am really out of shape. You have to understand that at one point in my life running 13 miles in a day wasn't all that uncommon---or even undesirable. I was a pretty active kid and that all kinda stopped when I started working full time and living with Steven and Seth. Most of my free time was dedicated to my girlfriend, gaming with the guys, and me reading up on a lot of the gender stuff. I know there must have been other things, but I don't recall me doing much alone.
Anyways, one of the odd things I noticed besides my out-of-shapeness was that I was walking funny. I mean, trying to walk like I normally have just felt weird. Something amiss, you know? I think my weight balance really has changed because I remember how it used to feel with there being more power and weight up top and my legs pushing strong against the ground. Now it's kinda like my weight is more concentrated around my mid-section and the upper body is more lithe, my legs like Jello. And trying to run only made it weirder. I hope this is a good sign, you know?
I did a little bit of thinking while I was out. And I think that going forward everything will be fine. I think that I will always be rather tomboyish and childish. My anxiousness and oddball comments will persist. And maybe some day I'll find someone compatible---more than likely a male. One of my persistent worries is or course how I look and sound. I'm still really iffy about how people perceive me in public and I really don't want to fall into a sort of freakazoid category. I want people to judge me by who I am and not what they see and hear. I suppose that's most people's desire whether you're gender-bendered or not.
Extending this thought a little, it's more that I just want to be able to fit appropriately whenever and wherever I am. Like, I want to be able to do the girly thing and the tomboy thing as needed. I feel that I'm lacking a lot of the girl training because I really didn't grow up in the kind of environment that would have fostered that kind of stuff. But maybe, soon, this will change. Stay tuned.
Sunday, 2003.03.30:
Even if my parents aren't all gung ho and not getting involved in my life, maybe I can still be a part of theirs. Tonight was pretty cool. Went over to my parents' place noonish and just hung out and talked. Dad was watching car racing, Mom was reading papers. Mom made grilled cheese and ham---mmmmmm, a childhood favorite. The rest of the afternoon was spent just shooting the breeze with my Dad. For dinner we headed out to this posh little shopping center where we chowed on some relatively expensive pizza. I treated them to dinner. I think the bill w/ tax and tip came to around $60-ish. But, the way I look at is that they were the ones who paid for my orthodontics (which I had begged for, $3K value) and my first car (secondhand but nonetheless a car, $14K value). So, what's a few dollars for some good food, good atmosphere, and good company? I don't see them all that often so whatever time I spend with them is precious. Both were in fairly good sprits, so that was cool. It has been a long time since we all had some hearty laughs...
Spent yesterday cranking out Perl and now I remember why I love regular expressions. I think everyone should understand the beauty and power (and utter spaghetti) that is regular expressions. At least the Perl version is pretty neato. But what was I doing with this, you ask? Ah, young Padawan, I was reformatting The Saga of Tuck files. Hehe. I got tired of reading them in text-only format so I was like: gee, I don't have to put up with this! I can write a script to parse the TXT into HTML! So it began, and so it was. As of something like 2:00a this morning I had most of the kinks worked out and I got back to reading Tuck as web pages. I have to tell you that seeing things in proportional fontage is much easier on the eyes---I found that I could read a bit faster too.
Do you doubt my g33k1n3ss? Then behold, the following demonstrates just how mucked up this code is for parsing the body section. Note that it does a bunch of other formatting to add emphasis to certain parts, and all of the current chapter's text has been sucked into the $filedata variable...
# Body! OMG, so many rules...
# ... whack the heading up unti the first entry
($body = $filedata) =~ s/^.*($title)\s+\*\*\*[ ]*[\n\r](.*)$/***\n$2/gsi;
# ... kill PGP sig at bottom
$body =~ s/\n-*BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE.*$//s;
# ... join all lines which look like they'd been broken by hyphens
$body =~ s/(\w-)\n(\w)/$1$2/g;
# ... escape all HTML-looking thingies
$body =~ s/</</g;
$body =~ s/>/>/g;
# ... boldify the angle brackes
$body =~ s/(\&[lg]t;)/<code><b>$1<\/b><\/code>/g;
# ... if it looks like an indented paragraph indent it so
$body =~ s/\n[ ]{3,10}(\S)/<br \/>\n\ \ \ \ \ $1/g;
# ... if it looks like a blank line in between, then do that too
$body =~ s/\n\n/<br \/><br \/>\n\n/g;
# ... find the entry dividers and make them bold---tweak the time/date format too
$body =~ s/^\*\*\*\n(\d+:\d+)[ ]+(\d+)[ ]+(\w+)[ ]*\n/<br \/><br \/><br \/>\n<font size="+2">$3 $2 - $1<\/font><br \/>\n\n/gm;
$body =~ s/\*\*\*/\n<br \/><br \/><br \/>=====<br \>\n/g;
# ... escape the sign language bits with codeface. Gotta have more than 3
# letters to be considered sign language.
$body =~ s/([A-Z])((-[A-Z]){3,})/<code>$1$2<\/code>/g;
# ... apply italics to underlined stuff
$body =~ s/\_([^\_\s]+)\_/<i>$1<\/i>/g;
# ... apply bold to asterisked emphasis, but we'll not let it run on for too many
# chars. I figure 100 chars wouldn't indicate a serious run-on. The use of bolds
# is so infrequent I think I can get away with this.
$body =~ s/\*([^\*]{1,100})\*/<b>$1<\/b>/g;
# ... looks like someone's yelling? then underline it! There's no real good rule
# as to when someone's yelling and when they're not so I just took a guess that 7
# chars (which includes punctuation, btw) would be about right to get maybe 1.5
# words in with a space in the middle...
$body =~ s/(\W)([A-Z_'\-\s\!\?\,\.]{7,})(\W)/$1<u>$2<\/u>$3/g;
# ... got a bottom distribution section? Smallify it.
$body =~ s/(\nDistribution:\s+No part of this.*All rights reserved[^\n]+\n)/<font size=\"-2\" face=\"Arial, Helvetica\" color=\"#c0c0c0\">$1<\/font>/s;
# ... Ellen's sig area could use some monospaced printing
$body =~ s/\n([^\n]+)(ehayes\@|ellen\@)(.*)$/<br \/><pre>$1$2$3<\/pre>\n/s;
# ... Remove superfluous line breaks at the top
$body =~ s/^(<br \/>)*//s;
The net result of this is one HTML file per chapter, and one index file with all the chapter numbers on it. The other nice convenience of parsing all the files is that there are now "Previous" and "Next" links on the page to go between chapters---I hated having to type File->Open in my text editor after every chapter. If you want the full source, let me know---include in the subject line something like "SoT Parser". You will need Perl and some rudimentary knowledge of how to work with it.
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Entries may show the mood for the day. From best to worst moods here's the list:
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Ecstatic -
Happy -
Good -
OK -
Blech -
Sad -
Abysmal
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