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Other recommended blogs: Amy, Calpernia, Claire, Gwen, Kara, Reise, W3bgrl-Auntie Solder.
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Tuesday, 2003.07.01:
A couple more people at work stopped by to say "hi, wish you luck on your transition". That was most cool. Most cool. Really, so far things have been great. I'm not sure I could have asked for a better reception. Sure, it has only been 2 days but so far most people are getting along quite well.
...
Met up with Heather, Raj, and Melinda to tell them about the whole transition thing. Here's the funny part: remember how I was leaving my house and changing at Steve's into Boy Mode clothes so I could go to work? Tonight I did the reverse: since I'm full-time everywhere but I wanted to come out to the three of them in Boy Mode I went back to Steve's to do a quick change after work. Off went the skirt and the sandals and back into jeans and a baggy sweatshirt. I feel like I'm reverse-crossdressing. Argh!
The three of them were very receptive and don't seem to have much of a problem with it. (Melinda actually has known for a while, but has been acting like she doesn't know. Long story about that.) So, they heard the news over dinner. And that was that...
On a slightly different note, Raj and Heather showed me their video from their honeymoon in the Maldives. Talk about paradise found! You might think from other photos that the water can't really be that teal, but it is---and more. White sand, coral reefs, shallow water, a constant breeze, so much aquatic life swimming around you, modern-day bungalows where you can literally step out from your door and into the water. I was just fixated on the screen wishing I could go to places like that. Maybe I will one day.
Wednesday, 2003.07.02:
Day 3 at work. Day 3 full-time. Nothing spectacular to report either. Which is good. Good because if there's nothing really that bad happening then it is life as normal. Wow...
The hardest thing for people to adjust to is pronouns. Names are just fine. So many people continually mess that up. But. Those who don't know me that well do the pronouns just fine. I guess it's true that when you meet someone and gender them one way it's very difficult to break.
Told three other friends last night. I have lost count how many people I have had to come out to now. And I have a routine all worked out so I don't even really have to think during the conversations anymore. It usually boils down to: I've got some good news, I recently got my name change approved, I know you're thinking it's weird but this is something that has been in the works forever, so my Boy Name doesn't exist, my driver's license shows my new name, and my new gender designator, yes I've been seeing therapists, yes I'm planning to have the Big Surgery at some point, yes this is the reason why my ex and I broke up, yes I'll be the same person though different packaging, and there isn't anything special for you to do other than give me a chance. Yup. It's routine. Scary.
I will forever be obsessed with my appearance. Sure I look female, but I really don't like the shape of my face. I think I know what I would do with it if I could fix things: slight brow ridge, shrink nose a little (and correct a problem like a deviated septum), and round off the back corners of my jaw. I've said these three things before and I'll probably keep saying them. I know that HRT is helping to change the overall shape but it never seems to do it fast enough or good enough, you know? But, for now things are good enough. Maybe in a few years if I really don't like things I'll go get the facial surgery done. But for now I find SRS to be more attractive not because I want to flash my privates at people. No, actually the opposite. I just find that having an external member to be ... err ... inconvenient. I've never really hated it but as time has gone on it is more annoying than anything else.
Thursday, 2003.07.03:
Found a cool site which shows the current time through pictures that people have submitted! HumanClock.com took in 1,440 submissions (one for each minute of the day) and you can watch time be shown with shaving cream, paper signs, or the favorite crowd pleaser: shaved into the back of someone's head.
Another uneventful day at work. (This is a good thing, right?) I did catch a colleague off gaurd as I was walking back to my cube. He walked past me, waved, stopped in his tracks, turned around, smiled, said something like "hey, you look good," and then went on his way.
Had a talk with my counselor today. She was glad to hear things were working out. At one point she was reminiscing how back in 1998 when I first met her I was scared $h!tl3ss sitting on her couch. Oh, I remember those old days. The complete fright at the situation yet still curious over what my options were. I still don't know if I made the right decision, I told her, but I'm willing to try this out for a while to see if it is indeed the right way to go. She reassured me that you can always back out if things aren't working out but that I should stop overanalyzing everything. True true. It's my nature to question things to death. I think it really is too soon to tell if this whole transition business will work itself out. The other message she was trying to get across was that I should not focus on the now or the then but just soak in Life itself and see where it takes me. I have an immensely hard time at letting go and having my life drift to wherever it feels like going. I'm so burnt out, though, that I really do feel like drifting...
Now that this phase of transition is sort of over I am finding myself with more time and energy. Granted I'm still doing something every second of the day, but less of it has to do with transition. It's a nice feeling. Maybe I'll actually get back to doing fun stuff. Maybe go on another road trip or hang out with friends more often. Like I wasn't doing that already---I just sacrificed sleep before.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July, our Independence Day. I was reading something about the sacrifices that the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence faced. They really put everything on the line in support of the ideal that America could and should govern itself. I was listening on the radio and the host was noting that the Americans who were trying to rid themselves of the British government were guerillas and terrorists lashing out at a regime they despised. True. So the people who fight for their beliefs can be seen both ways: terrorists or liberators.
Friday, 2003.07.04:
Happy July 4th!
...
Right now I feel like whining. Why? Just because. If you don't want to read this, please save yourself now and skip to the end. Thank you.
<whine>
I'm bored and boring both at the same time. I'm bored because I've been doing the same routine for so long. And I'm boring because I've just lost interesting in doing stuff in general. I think the one thing about a prolonged transition is that it sucks up so much of your time and energy that you begin to lose grip on other things that you used to consider important. Or at least, that's the way it is with me. I'm always doing things. I'm probably one of the busiest people I know running around from Point A to B, doing X or Y, meeting with this person or that group. So in one sense I'm always doing stuff, which I guess is what you can call having a life. But, I just feel I don't contribute anything back to the world or to people.</whine>
So it's like if anyone asks me what I'm doing that's interesting lately, I guess you could say the whole transition biz, the small road trips, the movies, the concerts, and the computer gaming nights are fun. But when I step back and think about where all my time goes one thing becomes evident: none of it is really quality time. When was the last time I read a book (and finished it)? What was the last hobby I did? Can I talk about what's going on in politics or the world? The list goes on and on.
Now I'm sitting in front of my computer because I can't sleep and I'm just rambling nonsense. (Hopefully this is somewhat entertaining.) I promised myself that I'd have fun in transition and in certain ways I am. It is really cool to reconnect with people, go shopping, have long meals, etc. No doubt it has been a blast. At the same time I just feel unfulfilled. This isn't so much a gender thing but more of a what-do-I-want-to-do-in-life thing. And, the important thing to realize here is that this is something that I was facing before transition. It's just that it's more obvious now that I'm getting a little more free time.
This is a problem. What do we do about it? The first thing I can think of is get some sleep. Most problems come from not having enough energy, so why not sleep? Makes sense to me. After that, I dunno. Come what may I guess.
OK, a different kind of whine now.
What the heck is with ASUS' PCB version number location?! I have been looking for it forever and it took a message on a board to help me figure out where it is:
The board revision is on the board itself. If I remember correctly it is on the left edge by PCI socket 4, down near the mounting screw hole. It's not in very large type, so look carefully.Yeah, it is in the smallest type possibe next to a white logo which is nestled between the PCI slots 1 and 2 on my board. OMG, I have missed this forever. In like 3 pt font it says: "1.04". Sheesh! Well at least I know now what my board is!
Speaking of other ASUS problems, I have the A7N8X Deluxe board---for you non-geeks out there it's a nice motherboard that has sound and stuff built into it using the acclaimed nForce2 chipset from nVidia. Anyways,I've been trying to figure out why I can't get my mic sound. I mean I get some but it is very weak. I've never had this problem. Line In works just fine but not Mic In. I hope a driver fix and some other help on the message boards will help.
,,,
I think I'm getting more proficient with makeup and now I'm actually beginning to make specific selections of what I use and where. Before I was just doing what people told me, sort of going through the motions. I think something just clicked in my brain and now I'm getting used to it and know better what I want to look like and how to achieve it. For example, I've messed with all sorts of eyeliner and now I know if I want to use it there is a particular pencil that works best. Or foundation. Rather than spread it on everywhere on my face I can target certain areas just to smooth things out. Better yet, there's a level of fun associated with it. Wow. I never thought I'd say that.
...
I had planned to go up to The City to watch the Fourth of July fireworks display. But friends bailed on me and I pretty much went back to sleep. And then I got a phone call from Andrew, Jen, and Sarah. Lo and behold they had planned to go up there as well and asked if I'd like to join. Ho yeah!
Plans were back on...Andrew drove. Thank goodness because I hate driving in city traffic. We got in the general vicinity and found free parking. Yes, free. (That is unheard of in San Francisco.) The problem was that we had to walk a block to the buses. Worse yet, the buses were all full of people travelling to Pier 39. Dang. So we walked the Embarcadero for about a mile or two to Pier 39. It was a rather long walk, I recall.
When we got there it was this sea of people all congregating there. All of the benches ended up being full. We scouted for a good vantage point and found the extension of a dock next to Pier 39 would be a good spot. But we ambled back to Pier 39 to kill time. A lot of time. You figure we must have got to the City around 4:30p or so, the fireworks scheduled to go off around 9:30p. I don't know exactly how we managed to waste that much time, but we did between walking and waiting and eating sourdough bowls filled with clam chowder. (Mmm... chowdah...)
We got to our spot back on the other pier extension probably about 8:45p. It was cold and breezy, the perfect time to break out those winter jackets again. Our group had this grand idea to get some hot liquids and so Jen and I set off to fetch them. Following Jen we searched for a Starbucks and found one closer to Ghiradelli Square---it was a long walk to there! The trouble is that once we were there a long line stretching out of Starbucks' door greeted us. Time passed and soon it was 9:15p. I put in the orders, got Jen's Earl Grey tea, and then Jen told me to scoot back to the pier while she would return with the rest of the drinks shortly thereafter. I had to run back and even though I was fairly careful some of the tea spilled. Right now I'm still wearing some of that tea (with milk!) on my jeans. Jen was worse off...
I booked it hard back to the pier and got there just as the fireworks were being launched. It was very cool seeing the display shooting off of two barges in unison---I guess so more waterfront vantage points could enjoy the show. Jen showed up a few minutes later hands soaked with my caramel macchiato and a chai tea. Poor girl. She ran much faster than I and thus spilled a good portion of it. At least she got to watch the majority of the show.
I liked it but it for some reason it didn't seem to be as creative as other displays I've seen in years past. It was certainly a good show---don't get me wrong. It just seemed to be the "usual" show, save for the smiley face fireworks. And after it was over there were thousands of us viewers who trodded back through the streets to get to our cars. The fact that our car was so far away and located on a side street worked to our advantage and we escaped most of the gridlock! Serendipity indeed...
Saturday, 2003.07.05:
More thoughts reflecting on recent decisions. I think I'm getting more comfortable with the feeling that I have made the best decision for myself with the information I've had. If I had never known that it was possible to transition then things would have been very different---I would have followed the normal life progression most of us do and I would have found ways to be happy with that. But knowing that it is possible to change one's body to satisfy one's beliefs about themselves, well, if I didn't at least take this chance to try to transition I know I would seriously regret it later. I've vocalized this a long time ago. I still stand by my original statement.
The "bottom line" scorecard currently stands as:Now I guess it's just up to Time.
Do I feel better about myself in general? Somewhat Do I feel I'm being truer to myself? Yes Do I feel I'm being swayed by delusion? No Can I still live a relatively normal life? Yes Would I have regretted not having taken this chance? Yes Has this solved any other life issues? No Am I certain this was the right decision? No Am I comfortable this was the right decision at this time? Yes
...
I'm looking at this happy-thought-a-day motivational calendar I got for Christmas and the April 24th quote is:
The important thing is this:How true. ...
To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we may become.
--- Charles du Bois
You know what I've also noticed about other people. They seem to be settling into life routines. As in, it just seems that as friends get older the sense of adventure isn't so apparent. They're more likely to do things by themselves. They're more likely to do the things which they always do. I'm looking at this and thinking: this applies to me and I gotta break out of this mold.
...
Speaking of breaking the mold, I've been hemming and hawing over whether to return a pair of jeans. They look good, fit well, but were a bit long. Long for my usual taste of using sneakers, that is. So I slipped on some 3" heels. Hey, that actually doesn't look half bad, I thought. I never would have thought it would but actually it's cute. Hm, maybe my opinion just shifted. Maybe I'll hold onto this pair...
Sunday, 2003.07.06:
There's nothing quite like coming home in the early morning to couple of piles of cat barf. I came home after an evening of gaming with The Guys and was really tired. It usually takes me a couple of trips back and forth from the car to get all my equipment back into the house and so as I reentered the house the second time I put my CPU down on the floor so I could free my hands to close the front door. As I leaned down I spied a light tan stain on one of our throw rugs in the hallway---we have hardwood running through most of the house. I thought to myself: geez, Jen must have come home and spilled some chocolate shake or something. But, that wouldn't make sense 'cuz she'd know about it immediately. Upon closer inspection the surrounding floor was a little wet. I looked at the blast pattern and knew almost immediately one of the cats must have had a disagreeable meal. Great. I'm tired and now I gotta deal with this! (If I recall correctly the last cat disaster also happened very early on a Sunday morning.)
I moved my bags and computer stuff into my room and then surveyed the house for other anomalies. There was a nice pile of schtuff in the living room which I ascertained to be the other part of The Yucky. I got some cleaning equipment, cleaned the floors, cleaned one of the carpets, threw the throw rug into the wash, and then checked each of the cats to see if they looked weird. Nope. They all looked fine and I'll never know which of the three had problems. I just hope it isn't something serious as I don't know what to do about cat care.
And here I was thinking on my way home that I'd stay up, microwave a snack, and re-record the Voice pages. Noooooo... After dealing with the cats I really wasn't all that hungry for a meal, but I still felt I needed something. And it was Hakusan Raspberry Sake Filled Chocolates to the rescue. I got these last Sunday on my day trip with Steve. Mmm... This definitely makes up for this abominable morning. Smooth dark chocolate on the outside. Liquid center. I can barely taste the sake but the overall taste is awesome. I think I polished off half the box before bedtime.
I also read up on Tuck chapter 98 today. I had to reread chapter 97 to recall what was going on. And one of these days I'll finally finish reading Tucky Season.
And all of this has happened this morning before 3:30a.
...
Until I get my license and insurance cards it is going to be a very weird time. I can't convert a lot of my accounts and stuff over because they need to see picture ID. And since it hasn't arrived even though I'm full-time I still have to respond to my Boy Name. In a funny way I'm glad my Boy Name can be androgynous because it makes people kinda think: well, she's a girl but a badly named one at that. I mean my Boy Name is somewhat rare enough that people usually think of it as male but it could also be female. I guess it wasn't until this past Friday when my doc's aide asked me "so, how did you get stuck with a name like ______?" that it dawned on me that my name is sorta androgynous. What a weird weird world...
Oh. So what I was going to really say what brought on this thought: I have to pick up some prescription refills and visit my dentist this week. I can't change my prescription because I don't have my insurance stuff and my dentist just hasn't been told yet. Ho boy this is going to be interesting...
...
I finally found a cute little notepad for my car to replace the one that's running out: a Pannapitta flip book. Now, originally I was looking for a Bad Batz pad, but didn't see any that fit the bill. Oh well, Pannapitta is cute too.
...
A fun game has been occupying some of my time: TyperShark Deluxe. I'm thinking about registering it just because I'm a sucker for typing games. I had been thinking about buying Typing of the Dead at one time as well. Anyways, I was trying it on the most extreme level and even I can't keep up with that one. I mean, I type relatively fast, but I guess 95 WPM isn't fast enough for this game.
...
There's nothing more disturbing than seeing your housecats try to shag each other. Here Steve and I were killing time watching Working Girl (Harrison Ford, Melanie Griffith, Sigourney Weaver) when near the end of the movie we notice the chair next to us starting to shake. Thump thump thump thump... I glance over to see the male cat trying to mount the female one; the female was really bored and just lay on her side almost as if saying hey wake me up when you're done. Steve noticed it too and he gave this trailng sentence, "they aren't ...?" All I could say to that was, "at least both of them are fixed." I thought about telling them to find a room but they probably wouldn't have listened to me. They never do.
Monday, 2003.07.07:
I think I finally stumbled on one of my mental hang-ups about this whole transition biz:
I feel like I have to prove to myself why I made this big change, to justify the pain and complication that I've introduced.It seems logical to me and it was a strong force which used to hold me back too. The problem is that I've lived my life so middle-of-the-road both in terms of the choices I've made as well as just my general emotional state. Staying in the middle means you don't get hurt. But now I've put my foot down on the gender issue and flipped my life inside out I can't really go back to the middle, can I?
So, back to the issue of proof. Justification. Reason. A cause to get the effect.
The trouble is that I don't know if I can point to anything completely specific and say, "hey, that's the whole essence of my transition." Pretty weak, eh? The only true reason I went forward was a feeling inside which said this was the right way to go. A feeling. An illogical indeterminate substance which drags me kicking and screaming in different directions. My true nature, perhaps? I don't know.
What I don't want to get into is setting myself up for a whole new set of social expectations and then trying to rise to them. If I do that then I'm right back where I started: as a guy trying to be guyish enough. No, this time I'm going to try to do this right, meaning I go where Life just takes me.
Maybe it's that fear that I may never find any proof which scares me more than anything else. That I did this just "because".
No doubt, though, the ride has been interesting and is getting more interesting as time goes on. I guess the road is truly wide open now. (Perception question: was it ever not open?)
And, when you look at it all, nothing really has changed much. I'm still doing the same stuff with the same people in the same workplace eating roughly the same ol' cafeteria food doing the same movie thing with the same friends etc. etc. etc. The view of the scenery changed a little but the players sure haven't. So, what's up with this? The opportunities have changed a little bit, the way the game is played has changed, and the personal gratification of doing things is a little bit better. Is it worth the cost? I dunno.
...
I was going to have a boring dinner---probably a salad from Togo's---when I pulled up to the mini mall and saw the new Yan Can cafe, a semi-fast food joint supposedly embodying the mastery of flavors from chef Martin Yan. I ended up having the soup, "Wok, Stock, and Barrel". In the description they say they throw in the whole kitchen sink pretty much, and they don't lie. Noodles, veggies, and meats in a simmering broth. No kidding. It was also really big.
I ended up carting it home instead of eating it at the restaurant but it still was pretty good. Not bad for dinner on the go. One of my colleagues loves their Pad Thai dish and he goes there a lot. Considering he's Chinese-born I take his opinion with greater weight. (I actually swore that I'd never go back to Americanized Chinese food or Asian fusion a long time ago.) But would I go back to this one? Sure. It met the taste test. (Then again, maybe I don't have any taste buds left after all the spicy Indo-Pak food I've been eating.
)...
I found out where my driver's license is! After weeks of being "in process" it finally resurfaced in the computer. It still has to go through a cross-check and then a printing-up phase, but the DMV guy assures me that it is moving along and that I might see it within a couple more weeks. So that would bring the total processing time up to about 2 months! Geez. But there is a light at the end of this DMV tunnel and I think it's the glare off of my hideos driver's license photograph. Ugh. I am going to have to get that retaken later. Whee, another $12 to process that one.
...
I just said goodbye to part of myself: my voice. I think I just put together one of my last voice recordings featuring an attempt to actually do my Guy Voice. I'm telling you it's true that after you do Girl Voice long enough it becomes increasingly harder if not impossible to do your Guy Voice anymore. I sensed a weakness in it earlier this year after I started using it much more often. Well, now that I am in Girl Mode 99.9% of the time I've noticed today that I can't reach the low notes that I usually can go to. On the other hand, my Girl Voice has been getting clearer and easier to produce. Coincidence? Nahhh... So this is really scary. I wonder how long it'll take for me to completely lose my Guy Voice. Not that I'm trying to leave it behind but it just seems to be an either-or proposition. I think I'll take Girl Voice, thank you.
Sigh ... it's like a part of me just went on a long vacation and isn't coming back.
Tuesday, 2003.07.08:
Had some leftover pizza for lunch. Every time I have pizza now I'm going to think of Weird Al's A Complicated Song. Hehehehe...
Spent a good part of late last night listening to some old songs I put together. I'm looking back at these things and thinking: they're not so bad after all. If I only had the equipment to do this stuff when I was like 10 I would have been able to do so much. I had a lot more creativity when I was younger for sure.
Went out shopping with my roomie today on a whim. Found a cute white bag to go with the white sandals I got a couple weeks ago. Cool! Maybe I'll use it this weekend.
Wednesday, 2003.07.09:
Venting session commence:
Why does it seem that when it rains it pours? I swear. My car started giving me problems last night---estimated $200 to diagnose, $800-$2,500 repair, and diagnosis will take until tomorrow afternoon. My voice is giving me problems, probably after having yelled the day previous---ooo, I actually got sirred on the phone, the first time in ages. And I'm staring at this stupid EJB stuff and I'm about to kill the designers of the EJB system---why, oh, why do you need 7 files to describe a single database table access? And there's a bunch of other little disasters going on too.
I think the important thing here is to repeat the statement: these things have nothing to do with gender. (Well, the voice thing sorta does, but it's a temporary problem.) These are Life's little curveballs. I just wish the things came in serial versus parallel; one only has so much energy to deal with things.
The net result is it just is taking away my motivation for doing stuff. I don't know how to describe it but it just makes everything seem boring, unfun. What do I really want to do instead then? Draw, write music, travel, take pictures, 3-D model, etc. Basically I want to create. I never claim to be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'm darned creative. And I feel stifled that I really haven't had much of an outlet for my creativity. I used to find my life offered many outlets for these things. Now I'm just so out of energy and time it seems like I never get around to doing anything I used to consider fun. I'm considering my options for the future now and it'll probably require a significant change in lifestyle.
...
I've thought a bit about changing the content of what gets blogged and what doesn't. I guess it depends on what you see as the function of the "blog" anyhow. I figured my blog would be a running log of short thoughts about this and that---and it is. But it also contains a lot of rant stuff. The debate in my mind goes on about whether to include rants because they're not so relevant to you but more for my benefit. (I much rather write about stuff than sulk all day long or take it out on other people.)
The Blogger section has become more my diary than just a log. On the one hand it lets both of us see more into the inner workings of the good and the bad situations. The flip side is it is typically more negative than postiive and it's really wordy. To me that makes sense: my personality has always been one of see-problem-then-solve-problem. Looking at the world in that way inevitably invites trouble because there's always a neverending supply of things that need fixing. Should you care about them? Is it interesting reading? Hm.
...
I've already had 2 microwave dinners today. Yuck. This because I'm stuck at home. I suppose I could try to figure out something to be delivered or get my roomie to drive me here or there (because she's home today coincidentally), but I'd rather not make her into my chauffeur. Besides the shop thinks they might have an answer for me tomorrow or something.
On the bright side, at least I got to get my meds yesterday at the store since I only had a few more days before my supply runs out. Speaking of meds, tomorrow I halt the progesterones. On the advice of my doc we're going to see what cycling progesterones does. So out of a 28 day cycle I'm doing 10 days of 800mg gel and then staying off of them for the following 18 days. This ought to be interesting.
One thought on my mind why I might not be getting good sleep is the spironolactone stuff. I only take 50mg at night but almost every night I get up 1x to use the bathroom. In that sense I never get a single sustained period of sleep. I've heard that people who have disturbed sleep wake up tired. That would explain so much. I have to say that in the 16 months of having been on spiro that my mental acuity has decreased. Not just because I'm a stress bucket, but I think it may have to do with bad sleep patterns. I'm hoping then that maybe next year I'll get a chance to get off spiro after SRS. Speaking of which, argh, I need to go and call a local doc or I need to put my money down for Arizona...
Thursday, 2003.07.10:
Welp, it'll be $1,900 (at least) to repair my broken transmission according to the dealer, so I told them just to put my car back together and I'll hold off on the repairs. Geez! Why does this have to happen now? Just at a time when I need to be conserving cash and I'm already busy with schtuff to do. I was really hoping to hold off big expenses until late next year after my health and finances stabilize.
The down side: I'm stuck with a gimp car for a while and I'm going to have spend mondo $$$ to get a new car. The up side: I figured my sedan would be changed after about 5 years anyways---it's about 4.5 years old---and I've been looking forward to getting one anyways. I really wanted my next car to be a CLK or something but that's clearly out of my budget now. I'll probably look for a small coupe with maybe a sunroof and a decent stereo system. Beyond that I'm pretty flexible. Heck, I'll even try a manual transmission.
Finally got my medical insurance card in the mail! Yay! I'm still waiting on the dental card, not to mention the extended saga of getting the driver's license card.
Ah, and my clip-ons for my glasses appear to have come in today as well. If I can get my car back before 5:00p hopefully I'll be able to pick them up.
Friday, 2003.07.11:
The score: Amber 1, Cockroach 0. There's nothing like waking up to seeing a little black mass scurrying along your floor. At first I tried catching it in a mug---where it would have been personally transported outside. But it escaped along the wall so I turned to Mr. Shoe for help. Mr. Shoe big. Mr. Shoe accurate. Mr. Shoe get job done. Too bad Mr. Cockroach and Ms. Chan can't coexist happily together.
It actually took alcohol last night to come upon a bit of an epiphany. I can't quite describe it well but it was something about me feeling connected to myself and connected to the group we had out at dinner. In the moment things felt a lot better. Not merely because of the drink, but it was an enabler.
I think my mood actually fluctuates most on how my voice is doing. It is needing repair for sure. So when it's good life is good. When it's bad, it's a constant reminder that something's wrong. This is such an uphill battle some days...
Saturday, 2003.07.12:
It has been a while since I've had teppanyaki---you know that Japanese grill cooking that they do right in front of you. Between the 4 of us that went we had assorted steak, calamari, veggies, and fried rice. Mmm mmm good.
...
Had a really vivid dream this afternoon as I took a short nap. Somehow I ended up on this guy's bed. He was probably 3" or 4" taller, real square jaw coated with a light bit of fuzz, athletic but not overly muscular, and laying back all lazy on top of the comforter. I found myself draped across his warm chest that was slowly rising and falling with each breath. He slowly opened his eyes and our gaze met. Before I knew it I was the one who was on my back and he had both my wrists locked together in just one of his large hands. He had me trapped like a lion over his prey. I squirmed and giggled but he held fast. After a couple more seconds I just smiled and he returned the same. Then he slowly lowered himself towards me as my eyes closed... And the rest of what happened, well, I don't think it's appropriate for the audience here. Let's just say that I was definitely post-op.
Oh, if I ever find a catch like him...Wait.
Is that me who's pining over guys?
What the . . . ?...
Can't seem to contact the auto repair shop to get my baby fixed. I guess I'll have to wait until Monday. I really hate being relegated to driving the expressways---I can only go about 55 MPH before my car starts acting funny now. In the Bay Area if you don't have a functioning car it takes forever to get from one end of the Valley to the other...
Sunday, 2003.07.13:
Weird. The left breast was a bit sore today. Not in the front rather the upper left side. It feels like a muscle pull, but I can't be sure. I don't really think I've done anything to strain it. It's just this dull, throbbing kind of pain and the area is sore to the touch.
I wonder if it's related to my cessation of the progesterones. So the 10th marked the last day I use them, right? Starting the 11th through now I've noticed I have a burst of energy as well as a much happier mood. With the progesterones I was seriously stressing and PMSing. And now . . . It's just weird.
My mood usually is related to my voice, however. When it's good I feel almost invincible. When I have problems I feel like the world is looking at me funny. Call it my ongoing insecurity.
Saw Pirates of the Caribbean this afternoon with my roomie. I must say Johnny Depp did an awesome job as Captain Jack Sparrow. I loved the character. But, for eye candy there's Orlando Bloom. Drool... I don't know what it is, but with him in LotR I didn't really see what other people liked in him. But in PotC maybe it's because he comes across as less elitist, more human, more approachable. Regardless I think one thing is certain: he looks better with longer hair.
But that's just my humble opinion...
Monday, 2003.07.14:
Was pricing out the Audi A4. Cute car. Sedan but not. Expensive, true, but it goes in the pile of consideration. To get the options I'm looking at it's not going to be cheap, but ... I talked to one of my old managers today and she recommended this guy that finds used cars. Maybe get a 2-year-old car for much cheaper. But I'd rather get a new car and make sure I know the entire maintenance record on it.
Wednesday, 2003.07.16:
It's like 12:45a and I'm grinning from ear to ear. And giggling too. And rubbing my hands in anticipation. I'm just like a little kid in the proverbial candy store. But if you caught me this past morning I was almost in tears.
So I got the diagnosis on my lil' car's automatic tranny: $1,000 minimum to fix, likely $2,000 in repairs, possibly $3,000. Can we say ouch?! My car originally cost me about $16,500 (out the door) and I'm past warranty. Upon hearing the news from this the second mechanic shop my heart sank like a rock this morning. I grumbled about it. I whined and shook my fists at the heavens. Ugh. I did not need this kind of a complication! Gawrsh. My driver's license still hasn't arrived, my car insurance and title are still under the old name. And now my car's having major problems. What horrible timing.
My mind was so not on work today, mainly because of the car. I need to something about it and urgently because I don't like the uncertainty of not knowing when my car's going to suddently downshift while I'm on the expressway---I can't drive the freeways now as it is because I lack that critical 4th gear. This is not only a money issue but a safety issue. Only one thing seems sensible to me: replace it.
So I spent a good portion of the afternoon reading up on cars that would fit my needs. I wanted an in-dash CD changer, sun/moon roof, decent sound system, decent gas mileage, something sporty, manual transmission, compact, and fun to drive. I had narrowed down my choices to three things: Toyota Celica GTS, Volkswagen Jetta Wolfsburg Edition, and an Acura RSX Type S. After reading umpteen reviews I think I've settled on one. And, and, and, if I get the car near invoice and trade in my old car I might be able to squeak by under $20,000k. No joke. I can actually afford that! Whoa...
I went through the corporate web sites and demos and stuff. Oh boy, if this works out then it'll be a sweet lil' mobile. (!!!) It'll be smaller than my current sedan, zippier, and should have all the amenities that I'm looking for. There's only one small problem: I really don't know how to drive a manual. Hehehe... I wonder what the dealer guy's reaction is going to be when I'm grinding gears and stalling out in the lot! Muahahhaaa... MUAHAHAHAHAH!!! *ahem*
Dagnabbit. I'm still giggling to myself. I keep wandering off into daydreaming of me sitting in the leather seat flicking the shifter up and down as I'm winding my way up and down the mountainside road. I can almost feel the wind outside the open window and the pounding stereo. And ... and ... and I still need to get some work done before sunrise! But but but ... if I can only get this to work out... Argh. Gotta write that Java comparator. Gotta update this JSP. Gotta... *sigh* If-if-if... Oh please let this work out.
...
*giggle!*
...
Looking for a vegetarian midnight snack? May I suggest Morningstar Farms' Corn Dogs? I think they they taste pretty good for a veggie thing. But I think the product I like the most are the Quorn Nuggets. The most interesting product I've tried is the Boca Crumblers, but I can't seem to find it anymore. Checking their site I found "Boca Ground". Throw that into Hamburger Helper and it's actually not that bad!
Thursday, 2003.07.17:
I. Am. So. Tired.
(Not that you'd ever really doubt that.)
Ugh. I've been pulling long days to get a requirement coded at work. And, I think I got it to the point where I can see it almost all falling into place by tomorrow, which is when my deadline is. Thank goodness. I thought I was going to miss the deadline, but I've got 80% of the thing working and the rest should be simple. But you know software engineering problems: the simplest things often turn out to be the most difficult to implement.
However, the important thing is: my proggy works! Yeah! Everything is coming together as planned, on schedule, and virtually error-free. I'm all happy about that.
...
Went to the dentist this morning---the first time they've seen me. So I told the receptionist who I was by my Boy Name because, well, that's what my records are still under. (Apparently the receptionist changed because I didn't recognize the woman there.) I told her that I needed to update my name and all that on file. The receptionist was cool but made me fill out the new patient form and all. Ugh. That took forever.
Whilst I was filling out the long long form my hygienist popped her head around the corner at the back of the hallway that led to the dentist chairs. She's worked on me a couple times before and was expecting me. Well, the old Boy Self, that is. So I took note that after appearing she started to open her mouth as if to say "good morning, Boy Name!" but then stopped. She had this sort of staring look her face as I guess she was trying to figure something out. And then slowly she shrunk back behind the corner of the wall from whence she came.
After I was done filling out the form I took a seat in the lobby to wait for the hygienist to come around. Apparently the receptionist had talked to her because she walked up and said, "hi Amber! Come on back!" I followed her down into the bowels of the office and sat down into the dentist's chair casually saying, "so, I guess a lot of things have changed since I last saw you." She gave back a somewhat excited reply, "yeah! I guess so! You look great!"
She was totally cool with it. I didn't even have to mention
anything about pronouns because everyone in the place Got It.
(Then again I think it would be really really hard to call me
"he" or "his" given how I look these days.)
...
Stopped by my car insurance provider to update my docs there too. I love it how I walk in, tell people my Boy Name, and they walk away to get my files, come back and ask "what is your name again?", go away, come back, and ask yet again "what was it?", as if not to believe I am who I say I am. Anyways, so they got that all changed and in two weeks I might have my new insurance cards. I asked them about how I can handle getting a new car without having received the new insurance card information. They just said that in this case I'd have to sort of explain it to the dealer how the names don't match but the good thing is that I still have full coverage. Funny thing, though, that by changing my gender designator caused my rates to go up by $5. Awww! Are they implying that women drivers are worse than men? (Wait, don't answer that.)
...
Wrote up a couple of mails to bug Ursula and Jen to see if I can practice driving their stickshifts. Kinda like going full-time, I wanna be prepared before I try out the cars at the dealers. It would suck to be grinding gears right there in the dealer's lot or stalling out at a stoplight.
Saturday, 2003.07.19:
Ursula let me drive her manual this morning. It was not as bad as I thought it would be, considering the last time I actually drove one was like 2 years ago. And badly at that. Before then only a handful of times---maybe enough to count on one hand. But the last time I was getting decent...
Ursula has this idea to drive to her workplace about 15 minutes away. We started out going around the block. No problems. Got onto one of the main roads. No problems. Then Urusla says, "hey we can take the freeway!" Um...no. So we compromised: the expressway. After a few minutes more we finally got to the expressway. No problems. And finally into her office parking lot. No problems! I was feeling pretty good about that. I'm really rough on the shifting but no stalling out.
So Ursula ducks into her office for a few minutes and I'm practicing going in and out of parking spaces, stopping and starting on inclines, that kind of stuff. I go back towards the entrance that she used to pick her up, I'm already parked in a space opposite of the door. So I flick the shifter into Reverse and glide backwards up to her all smooth-like. I slow into the space and then the car starts sputtering. About a half second later I'm at a full stop in the space like I planned, but the RPMs are at a big fat 0 (not like I planned). Hehe. My first stall-out of the day and it had to be right in front of her.
We ended up trying the freeway on the way home. I managed to do that good enough and even got double-clutching down fairly smoothly. So I think that I can handle test driving the cars at the dealer. My goal is to be able to drive the cars well enough that I can get a feel for the car myself. Otherwise I'd have to bring one of my stick-shift-capable friends along and (s)he'd have to evaluate it for me.
Sunday, 2003.07.20:
Question: What's small, white, and goes "crunch"?
Answer: Amber in a VW stickshift!
Oops. So I went test driving this afternoon with Steve in tow---'cuz he drives a stickshift and has been giving me advice. The second dealer that we took a look at had a white 4-door compact. So after talking to the sales rep for a while we/I got to give it a go. We were in the car, idling, and the rep was talking about the layout of the shifter. I was kinda confused because this one is:
R 1 3 5
| | | |
+--+--+--+
| |
2 4
1 3 5
| | |
+--+--+--R
| | |
2 4 6
Started reading Tuck Squared tonight, a fan fic by Rachel Greenham. It's pretty entertaining. But in order to make sense of it you have to have read most of the Saga of Tuck main story and Tucky Season otherwise you'll miss all the references. One of the lines in it somehow struck a chord with me, though I can't quite put my finger on why:
" 'Forget the jargon,' she said, 'all that matters is doing what you have to do to be yourself. Whatever that is.' This," she gestured at herself, "is a closer approximation. I can be me like this, and it doesn't turn heads."Weather has been pretty hot over here. I've always had really sensitive skin and today was no exception. Just a little bit of perspiration makes me itch. (I've always been like this. Darned sensitive skin.) So today it felt like my arms and legs were on fire. But since I've endured a lifetime of this I've learned how to block pain. I sometimes wonder if my pain tolerance for electrolysis is related to this.
--- Valerie, Tuck Squared
My mind falls back to my voice or lack thereof. I talked to Sianna tonight via phone and somehow we got to talking about my voice recordings of me rambling to myself. I was just thinking: gee, I don't know if we'll ever hear any more of those since I've banned my Guy Voice. I figured that once I hit full time that I'd never switch back to give my voice a period to acclimate itself. I think that's happening because it is becoming more consistent, though hardly near the quality which I want to have. But, I still think there's something very wrong with it in the mechanical sense. I've got an appointment with an ENT coming up this week and I'm hoping this guy can give me a second opinion of the seriousness of the condition and what are the options to correct it. I'm almost certain I need surgery on my vocal folds. I'm not looking forward to that nor the expense of it. Just another strain on the old pocketbook. And you don't even want to hear me lament about my credit card bills. Oy!
Monday, 2003.07.21:
Got a chance to drive Jen's car today. Was not smooth at all in her car. I dunno why but I just felt really connected to the RSX. Kinda hard to explain. It's also pretty late right now so I'm prolly not making a lot of sense either.
Finished up Tuck Squared. There's these couple of other lines that are stuck in my head:
What you want is irrelevant. What you are has to be acknowledged. What you do about it when you've finished eating your own bullshit is the question.Dammit. I don't want to be TS or whatever it is that us permanent gender-benders are called. It's inconvenient. It's embarrassing. It's painful. But I am who I am.
--- Valerie, Tuck Squared
I got to this point in time based off of a lifetime of running and hiding from myself. You know what it all caused? You really want to know? A lot of wasted effort. So much hiding. So much fronting. I'm disgusted at myself for not seeing this earlier. Could I? I'm not so sure I could have. Circumstances didn't prevail themselves until I was just out of college for me to pick my head up out of my ass ('scuse the French) and really give myself a hard look in the eye.
Even now I still scrutinize myself. But even amidst the ensuing chaos one thing is true: at least the dysphoria is gone. I just wish transition got me out of paying taxes tho. (Can't have everything can we?) Really, nothing else in my life has changed that much, but the dysphoria aspect is resolving itself. At least, well, it appears to be doing so. Talk to me in another 5 years.
Tuesday, 2003.07.22:
I'm going to make this work.
I'm going to make this work.
I'm going to make this work.
Sorry, I know I'm talking to myself again. It's just that I caught myself in the office bathroom where we have some really big mirrors. I somehow just was amazed that, darnit, I actually look almost like the girl in my mind's eye. Do you know how significant that is? I just have to get a few nitpicky things fixed and I'll have a decent approximation of what I was shooting for. Not bad.
I tend to dwell on the negatives 'cuz they are thorns in my side. I know as well that I can overcome these limitations. I think its within the realm of physical possibility that I can do this well. I know I can make this work. I am making this work. I just have to be patient.
...
I went out to dinner with some friends that I don't see all that often. (Actually, it's a group of people that I'm sort of reconnecting with.) One of the party members I never met before. She will never know that anyone besides Amber existed---unless someone in the party brings it up. Sure I've got tons of rough edges that I want to correct, but I think I can fix them in-flight now.
It never ceases to astound me that transition is working out. At play, at work, etc. Amber exists. Amber is real. And you know what? I'm just being me. And people accept that. How cool is that?
I'm all pensive now. I looked back at an old Rambling, one almost 5 years ago. The words that were spoken then are still true to this day. Whoa. I'm staying true to my original course? You mean to tell me that things are working out the way maybe they were supposed to be? It's probably too soon to tell if this whole thing is going to pan out OK, but if it's anything like this past month then I think it will.
Make a decision. Talk to your therapist, friends, and family. Write me e-mail, join an IRC chat line. Don't stop and wonder about the what-ifs. Transitioning isn't an option for everybody, just as non-op isn't always the answer. If there's one thing you walk away with when you click on to the next page, find within yourself what would make you the most happy person you could imagine, and focus on it. If you're confused, it will give you direction. If you're in the middle of a transition, it will give you hope. And if you've made it to the end, you can still dream about even better days. ^_^ I am taking control of my life and I am going to make a decision soon. I will live.I hope I listen to my own words.
-- Amber, Epiphany: Awakening to Freedom
Wednesday, 2003.07.23:
Our lil' black cat is a total slut for affection. He was climbing up and around the piano bench while I was tapping out a melody. You know what it's like when a fat cat is sitting on your lap or running across the piano keys or licking your arms? Very very distracting. What's kinda funny is that the cat is seeming to mimick my left hand. He pounces on the keys now. (If only he'd play in the same key as the rest of the song...) I gave him a good shiatsu massage right between his shoulder blades and he purred and purred and ...
Tomorrow I have an appointment with a second ENT specialist to see about my ailing vocal chords. I know the solution but I just want to confirm it because it means I go under the knife again.
Thursday, 2003.07.24:
Saw the second ENT today. This one was able to numb my throat and feed a small scope down into my larynx. You have no idea how glad I was that he had one of those tools rather than the mirror that I'm used to have shoved down. This time there was no gagging, I was more relaxed, and the doc could take his sweet time looking around. I demonstrated my male voice for him, my female voice, relaxed position, normal talking, etc. In the end his diagnosis was interesting.
No nodules that I need to be concerned with, he says, and the true vocal chords are coming together just as they should. But, he notes that the base of where the arytenoids are is inflamed, usually as a result of acid reflux. He suggests no surgery but voice rest for two weeks instead. (I told him about my gag reflex kicking in a while ago and he said that that may have caused some additional irritation from the stomach acids.)
This is quite a different diagnosis from the other doctor. I'm not saying that the first doc was wrong, but that because that method of examination used a mirror shoved down my throat it is possible that he was not able to get as good a look as this doctor's scope. So I actually trust this doc's opinion better because the examination was more thorough. I feel as if another weight has been lifted from my shoulders. My inner voice speaks to me: hey, kid, it's going to be OK. Just take it easy and let things work themselves out. I hope the doc is right.
...
Had a work picnic today. It was nice being out with colleagues and friends just goofing around. There were plenty of veggie burgers for the non-meat-eating crowd and quite a number of water pistols going off. One of the guys had a huge watergun cannon and he made fast enemies with most people since the rest of the people had these dinky 30-cent guns that hold like 3 shots. When he returned from the bathroom one time he was faced with a wall of people holding their little pistols straight at him---ah, the overwhelming force of a larger number of people. He didn't stand a chance. Overall, it was cool being just one of the girls there.
My nose still itches from the scope that had passed through it as well as the nose hairs the doc had to yank to get a clean passageway through. Plus as the anesthetic wore off it felt real funny.
...
I got back sometime tonight and I was looking through a bag of giftwrap that I just bought. A couple of rolls of wrapping paper were inside and I pulled them out. Almost by instinct I picked one up in my right hand and started twirling it around. Then that morphed into me rotating it through my fingers ... like ... a baton. I just realized that I had long since forgotten that one of the things I used to wish I could do was twirl a baton like a number of my girlfriends---this is when I was in 1st or 2nd grade I think. I distinctly recall now asking them how they did it and I sorta kinda learned the basics. In other words I never got any good at it. Then again, it's not like I had a baton at home to practice with. Hrrmm... Just another odd quirk in my history...
Come to think of it, I still carried a bit of that desire into highschool where I knew the couple people in band that were the drum majors. I remember practicing a little with their maces (you know, the really really big baton things). When I didn't have a mace handy I actually used to practice flinging my flute around. My flute is pretty battered as you may have guessed.
Speaking of which ... I'm surprised I remember how to play it. I took it out of its black case a few days ago and mucked around on it for a while. Hm... I still don't have a very clean sound but I actually think it sounds better than when I was in high school. I played flute for, let's see, 4th grade through ... 10th? It wasn't until 10th grade that I started playing the sax as my main instrument. During my flute-playing experience I was like one of two guys I ever met that played it in any band. Funny, the other guy was Asian too.
Something just struck me funny as well: us band members had marching uniforms. When in uniform your hair gets put up into the hats. So, without hair showing and with all of us wearing the same stuff, I wonder if people thought I was a girl even then. After all, I was as short if not shorter than the other girls in the flute section and there weren't any other real gendering clues there---you can't go by breasts because there were flat girls in our troupe. Funny, I never looked at it that way until now.
...
Oh, but the big big news today:
I GOT MY DRIVER'S LICENSE CARD!
Finally! Legal picture ID! Sheesh that took long enough, a little over 2 months. Now it's on to the court ordered name change.
Friday, 2003.07.25:
It's kinda funny watching Jen these days. She is, if you recall, a pre-op MTF TS and apparently HRT is really doing its job. Well, that's not all of it, but let's just say that at this point in her life, she's young, darned attractive, and looking at guys. And, apparently, the guys dig her too because they flock to her. No joke. So now she's battling the problem of dating guys while she's still pre-op. What a dilemma! To want and be wanted yet not quite able to have. So she's fretting over when to tell, how to tell, and what to do about the rest of the details. Dating at this stage is pretty complicated, no?
...
Went out for a friend's birthday. Talk about a long dinner. we left from our house around 6:45p, had our name down for a table by 7:00p, but didn't get seated until closer to 8:00p! And by the time we were done it was 10:30p I think. What a long dinner. We had plans to take the birthday girl out for a night but due to timing and extraneous circumstances we decided to call it a night pretty early. Maybe we'll try tomorrow or something.
Feeling a little bit of energy in me I ended up pulling a DVD off the rack: Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. I haven't seen this movie in ages! It's silly but it's one of my old-time favorites. And with the crowd that I associate with many of them can quote the movie too. We also quote Real Genius, Spaceballs, and Monty Python. What does that say about us? ehhehehee...
...
Also ended up watching some streaming video courtesy of Yahoo's music service: LAUNCH. Saw something from the Dropkick Murphys. Weird. Though I think the weirdest things I've seen lately are the Flaming Lips' Flash videos for "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots".
...
Someone recently told me that sites like mine provide role models for many. I guess so. It's not my intention to provide a template for you. Rather I just want to say what the truth is. I'd like to think that what you read here is the good and the bad so you can get a window into my life. It proves that this can be done if your desire is strong enough. I'll try not to sugar coat the reality of what the result of this process is. I'll tell you what goes wrong and why I think it went wrong. And hopefully you'll be able to decide for yourself what you need to do.
Sunday, 2003.07.27:
So my parents are going to go and visit Grandma soon. She lives in a different state (I just live in a different "state of mind"
) and so they said they
could take a letter up for me. I can't go in person not only
because I don't have time to but she doesn't know about what has
happened to me. Actually, none of the extended family knows. My
parents are all trying to keep this under wraps for as long as
possible. Too bad.Anyways, so as I'm writing this letter I get nostalgic. I cruised through a couple levels of my computer's directory hierarchy to locate the video I put together last August. (I had created a 30-minute video from pictures and video I took with my digicam.) Oh my, after watching a few minutes I started to get kinda depressed that I wasn't going to see Grandma. But, it just won't work out this time. The worst part was when I signed off the letter and I had to put down my Boy Name. For some reason it just seemed like it wasn't me, like I was impersonating someone else.
I eventually got down to my parent's house and was in Half Mode. That is, I'm 100% Amber but I was covering up with a jacket so they wouldn't see my breastlets (i.e. not-quite-breasts
). What was clearly different
this time was that my Mom and Dad were actually somewhat
glad to see me even though I'm not portraying the son that
they wanted to have shown up. (Recally that they told me to
"show up as we remember you or not at all".) But they were cool
about it today.Had a couple of meandering conversation with Mom and then Dad. Nothing in particular except about the trip to see Grandma. I guess that'll happen sometime soon. Mom was a bit more interested in what was going on with my life. She seemed a bit surprised that no one at work has given me crap about the transition nor does anyone else in the Real World seem to harm me. She asked me if I used lipstick---I told her I rarely wear makeup. She asked if I could go back to my old voice but I told her it would take hours to unwind back to that state---it's true! I think overall she was pleasantly surprised to see that I can do the Girl Thing and that the world isn't going to lynch me. I can survive this in good spirits and good health, and I can lead a normal, successful life. They still can be proud of me and respect my decisions. Well, we'll see where this ultimately ends up but I think both of them are softening up a little.
Been watching some of Robin Williams Live. OMG this is so funny. You need to see this!
Also been considering getting Half Life 2 to hold me over until Doom III comes out next year. Crikey! I was so hoping for a mid-2003 Doom release! Oh well. I guess I have Neverwinter to keep me occupied. Speaking of which I need to duck into a game with some friends right now...
Monday, 2003.07.28:
I am liking my nose less and less. I saw pictures of that picnic we just had where I'm in them. My reaction is: gee, I can't tell me apart from the rest of the girls, but dang my nose is huge. I mean it's not that bad. And, after looking at my Mom's and my Dad's noses this weekend I realize that mine is actually about halfway between my Mom's and my Dad's---Mom has a rather wide nubby nose. I'm actually par for the course, but I think that it's a point that could be improved. Plus, I have a slightly deviated septum that mildly annoys me. So, it's not entirely a cosmetic thing, you know?
However, something just hit me: I'm wearing my glasses all of the time now and I'm very dependent on them. If I recall correctly, if I get a nose job then I cannot wear glasses because even the lightweight ones will cause damage. That means contacts. That means this fall when I get my new glasses instead I should choose contacts. Ugh. I didn't want to be shoving lens into my eye but I see no other choice.
The trouble with both of these things is that they are somewhat elective and I've got lots of other things to do. I've planned two vacations towards the end of this year, I've got SRS to deal with next year---but planning for it now---and still some legal things to finish up. If I really want to get serious about that nose then maybe early next year would be a good target time so I'd be mostly healed by the time SRS rolls around. (That is if I can get in at the time I want.)
...
For your source mindless entertainment today please visit:
Homestar Runner.net.
No, wait. I mean .com!...
I caved. For $20 I couldn't resist. Ended up getting the NWN Expansion Pack, Shadows of the Undertide.
Also ended up getting ATB's Addicted To Music CD.
Tuesday, 2003.07.29:
Ended up seeing another episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. (Thank goodness I have cable now.) I was kinda worried that this would turn out to be some bad play on stereotypes of gay guys. But, I think it's a show well done where the Fab 5 get to show off how to do some serious home improvement. The Butch episode was just hilarious in the beginning and jaw-dropping at the end, I missed the Adam one, and Tom's place made even my nose wrinkle. Today was the "urban cowboy" guy, John. Oh man, why aren't there more guys like him out there? Tina's a lucky girl...
I've been looking at hairstyles. I'm thinking about changing my hair to make it a bit shorter and lighter and (crossing my fingers) a bit easier to manage. I'm just terrible at styling! I'm envious of a couple of my Asian friends who have pretty good hair that falls into the wash-n-go category. Literally, they don't own hairdryers. They wash, towel dry, brush, and then air dry. Then poof it goes into shape. Huh?! Where can I get some of that?
Really, the guy that did my hair last time did a good job within the
narrow parameters which I gave him. This time around maybe he'll have
a chance to work more of his skill.
Wednesday, 2003.07.30:
Trying a different tactic with voice production. Initial results are pretty bad but there is a lot less stress on the vocal chords. If I can get some upper range back then I know the voice would be fine but we'll see. The general range is improving very slowly but it's far from what I had before, so that still is worrisome.
Started playing the solo Neverwinter campaign. It's pretty game.
Had some cheap Vietnamese sandwiches for lunch today. They were $1.75/ea. No joke. Tasty too, but you gotta get used to the slightly strange taste. There were things in it I don't have a name for, but does it matter if it tastes good?
Thursday, 2003.07.31:
Ooo... the anticipation of a phone call... I may very well be able to replace my ailing car today. I was down at my bank this morning talking it over with the fleet guy and he's quoting me a decent price for the car as well as a fairly low APR. If I can work this right I should still have a savings buffer and have stuff set aside for SRS. I hope this works out. Please let this work out...
I was all depressed about my voice this morning again---surprise surprise. So I turned on my computer and went through the recordings. I listened to the ones on my voice site and compared it against some recordings I have yet to put up. Oh, wow. There's such a difference! No, I mean really a huge difference. Even though my current voice is trashed for some reason I think it actually sounds 200% better. Maybe it's the recording equipment but somehow I don't think so.
...
Well well, what do you know? I got the call back finally and the price was set. I went to the dealership and took a couple of friends in tow. It was late, people were going home, and we just got there. We met our sales contact and she was a very nice person. If I proceeded according to plan it would have been a relatively easy process. Instead some friends gave me things to think about. I mean it is a lot of money to get a car. I sighed and thought about it a lot. Something didn't feel right. I couldn't let this go without at least trying. So after much deliberation the sales rep and I reached a deal. We traded in my old car at a price that was OK but not great. I mean, it has really low mileage and there's hardly anything wrong with it. I've kept really good care of it and all as well. But we lowered the price of the car to a nice even number and then the deal was set. All of this in 3 hours of deliberation and paperwork. Ugh. I hate buying cars.
But, oh yeah, it is nice to be able to drive the freeway without fear of pushing the car too much. I mean, this car moves compared to my old one. Sticks to road like glue, has a relatively quiet engine, short shifter, and did not cost an arm and a leg. Actually I think the price was fair especially for the end-of-the-month sale. The dealer made out with a price over invoice too. I'm so tired but I have to sort through the mass of paperwork before I hit the sack.
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Entries may show the mood for the day. From best to worst moods here's the list:
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Ecstatic -
Happy -
Good -
OK -
Blech -
Sad -
Abysmal
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