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Other recommended blogs: Amy, Calpernia, Claire, Gwen, Kara, Reise, W3bgrl-Auntie Solder.
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Friday, 2005.07.01:
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And in another episode of Amber's Morphing Body, I went shopping today to see if I could find some bikini bottoms to match part of a swimsuit I got. Well, I didn't find the bottoms but I ended up in a GAP and I figured I should at least see if they had any lingerie on sale. Well, I got curious and instead of getting my usual 36A I tried on a 34B. What do you know? It actually fits pretty good. So, a couple interesting points about this:
The 34 bra size used to be way too tight around my midsection before, but recently I've been noticing I always snap my 36s on using the tightest setting. (And still the shoulder straps keep falling off!) Well, the 34 is admittedly tighter but at least the straps are in a better position.
Secondly, I always considered myself to be pretty flat-chested, but I think I've been filling out my A cups a bit better recently. What's funny is that with the 34B size it sort of smooshes things differently and, hey, it turns out I actually fill the 34B. That's right. Not like partially fill, no I mean fill the 34B. Weird. Granted, GAP sizes tend to run small so if anything I would be considered a small B. I never thought the day would come that I'd even remotely fill a B because I did lose a bit of breast tissue after going off HRT just prior to SRS last year.
Anyways, I just thought this was weird. I really don't think my body is changing that much, but at the same time I undeniably do fit these new dimensions...
Now in geeky news, I didn't know that when you do multiple monitors in Windows XP that you can arbitrarily position the monitors. That's so cool! I decided to spread my desktop but my laptop wasn't directly under it so I had:
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I had once thought you could only exactly position two monitors side by side, but fortunately there's a config which allows you to position it arbitrarily. Wow!
If you're into geeky girly stuff check out: Shiny Shiny: A Girl's Guide to Gadgets.
Technorati tags: HRT, Hormone Replacement Therapy, weight gain, breast development, WinXP, Windows XP, multiple monitors, extend your display, Shiny Shiny, transsexual,, MTF.
Saturday, 2005.07.02:
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You may or may not have noticed but I'm playing around with the RSS properties for this blog's feed. Hopefully I did it right!
Technorati tags: blog, RSS, feed, syndication, transsexual,, MTF.
Sunday, 2005.07.03:
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So there's this guy... no, he's a real guy I assure you. And he's really into me. Like as in he's professed his love an adoration for me. You might think that's all sweet and cool. And under normal circumstances I suppose you'd be right. But in this case, no, I'm actually kind of annoyed at the situation. To borrow a phrase from Miranda (of Sex and the City): I'm just not that into him.
We went on a very long drive today. He picked me up, dropped his convertible top, and packed a bottle of wine in the trunk. Off we sped up the California coastline to a semi-far-away destination, sun gleaming down and some classic Guns 'n Roses blaring. It was such a beautiful day. We strolled out to an overlook above the Pacific Ocean and took in the panoramic view of the coastline. We then drove back into San Francisco and had a wonderful Italian meal with no waiting for our tables. And then we went dancing until like 3:30a.
From the description you'd think I'd be crazy to turn a gentleman like this down. I mean he's well-off, drives a nice car, is generally very courteous and considerate, and is pretty well-travelled. He also just happens to be tall and dark. He'd do just about anything for me if I asked, including supporting me if I stopped work to pursue other career goals. Yeah, you really think I'm crazy.
Back in 2003 I really got to know this guy well. I mean, I've known him for a number of years as a friend but I was starting to get closer to him around '03. I could open up totally to him and he'd sort of listen and reflect back. He also gave pretty good massages. And I almost really started to go for him. But. Then I realized there were some serious incompatibilities under the surface and I knew that would ultimately lead to disaster in the end.
See, the trouble with him is that he's nice. Too nice. As in when I am with him he is there to catch me for every fall, obey my every whim, buy all my dinners and drinks, and always trying to basically stop the world for me. At the same time he's doing that, he's also constantly around me (and complains when I'm not). He doesn't really have a personal itinerary or long-term plan or personal opinion about most things. And when he's around me everyone else is pretty much ignored. There's more little things but these are on the short list of annoyances. Oh did I mention that I've tried to tell him that I'm not interested in him at all for a number of years (even very very bluntly) and he still pursues me?
I finally figured out the words to describe the situation...
He wants to be my servant. He wants me to fill him with purpose and direction. He wants me to be his companion so he has the security of having someone else. And he'll do anything to maintain this.
I'm looking for someone who is strong-willed and has a personal sense of adventure as well as long-term direction. I want someone to take my hand and lead me to new worlds of experiences. I also want someone to listen but not agree with everything I say. I want someone to win me over with their compassion and intellect, not by buying me out with money and gifts. Most importantly, I want someone to be strong and steadfast so I can be vulnerable.
It was about three weeks ago I think when someone told me that they thought I was a strange girl in that I don't really seem to show a lot of emotion on the surface. That's totally true, especially around people I don't know/trust very much. I have pretty thick skin and an arsenal of verbal weapons to retalliate if need be. I don't act all that girly all the time because I see it as a sign of weakness---and you can't be weak in the hard corporate world or when you're around strangers. But that's not where I want to be emotionally.
I long for the day when I can really let down my shields and not feel like I have to be on guard. I want someone to allow me to emote but not necessarily go "awww, poor baby" or lecture me. I guess in some ways I wish I could be more girly.
Clearly I'm not going to be able to get this while I'm around this other guy. I don't want to be making all of the decisions, but I want my desires to be considered when he makes his decisions. I want my personal space to explore and grow, but I want him to be involved in certain aspects of this. I don't want any hand-outs or be treated like a queen---let me earn my way and appreciate me for who I am. I don't need to always have a safety net---let me fall and pick myself up off the ground once in a while.
Maybe the right guy is out there...
Technorati tags: relationships, boyfriends, Miranda, transsexual,, MTF.
Monday, 2005.07.04:
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Went out today to watch fireworks. In years past I watched them from company parking lots or while sitting at a park, but today we thought we might try to go to the waterfront just above San Francisco. We found this park bench facing the Bay and we huddled together under 3 layers of blankets like a three-dog night. It was so cold due to the blustery winds that we almost left---after all, one of our party members is pregnant and we can't go around getting her sick!
We attempted to watch San Francisco's, but due to the usual fog and also how their show puts out so much smoke nobody could see anything after about 5 minutes. Fortunately, our vantage point let us see Sausalito, Oakland, and Berkeley's fireworks. So we all turned southward and watched the remainder of the shows there. Everything would have been great but some stupid people decided to run their own fireworks show, launching their little rocks from a patch of dry brush. And, you might guess, they started a rather large fire. Our party didn't stick around to see the end of it, but I hope the fire engines got there in time...
I've been considering doing some podcasting, but I don't know if I have the patience to do it or the bandwidth. Plus I'd have to rewrite the blog compiler program to search for audio files. Not that it's a big deal, but there's a little bit of logistics involved.
Another thought rolling around in my mind is sort of a follow-up to something I wrote back in October about how almost anyone can do transition. (I think someone asking me how my transition went triggered this thought.) Well, I still stick by what I said before. Actually, I'll go further to say that the logistics of getting a full transition done are actually the easy part. The hard part really is living with yourself post-transition.
I'm not trying to say that my life currently is bad, no. I'm just saying that I still find certain things to be a constant struggle like the voice, finding new relationships as a girl (with a bit of baggage now), and thinking about where I'm going to be in 10 years. I think that transition itself has a lot of the instructions written down by now. You kind of talk to this person, go to this clinic, do these legal things, go through these surgeries, and you sort of pop out on the other end of the process all shiny and new. Then you're pretty much back on your own without much real help. I mean, you can talk to your friends or your therapist, but now you have to recreate your life, reestablish all your relationships, and still try to get over all your little insecurities and fears.
I guess I just get the sense that there are quite a number of people who give me the "transition is the greener-grass side of the fence" feeling. I think that every time someone asks me for transition advice or asks me how transition went then these thoughts just pop back into my mind. On the one hand you do really have to do what you think you need to do to get your life moving. On the other hand it really isn't all that easy afterwards.
Hm. Food for thought?
Technorati tags: Fourth of July, July 4th, fireworks, podcast, MTF, GLBT, TS, transition, post-op, transsexual,, MTF.
Tuesday, 2005.07.05:
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I thought this was amusing: while looking at some of the web searches that apparently return this site as a search hit, one search used the keywords:
chest melonsI would like to apologize to anyone truly looking for busty women that the content of this site contains no chest melons. Any resemblance to actual chest melons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. If you feel you have reached this site in error, please hang up and try again.
But since we're on a theme loosely related to females...
I hear that there's an all-girls gamer team out there: Frag Dolls. Not to mention, the UK version of the team seems to be up-and-coming. (Of course there's always a little controversey when you realize that the Frag Dolls teams are actually sponsored by Ubisoft. See links here, here, and here.) Valkyrie (of the Frag Doll team) did post her perpsective on the situation. But, regardless of whatever marketing thing might be going on, at least at this moment I don't think it's a Bad Thing. The fact is girls do game and do kick ass. (Corollary: since I'm trans and I game, do I get to kick my own ass? j/k!)
Technorati tags: chest melons, Frag Dolls, Frag Dolls UK, Valkyrie, Ubisoft, gamers, clans, transsexual,, MTF.
Wednesday, 2005.07.06:
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So I've been listening to Will Ackerman's latest album, Returning and I have to say it's the most mellow thing I've heard in ages. I mean, you listen to it for like 5 minutes and all your tensions fade away. (It is the kind of music that you listen to when you want to chill out---otherwise you should be listening to the Black Eyed Peas.
) It is basically just him playing
his acoustic guitar with a healthy dose of reverb. No singing. No
pumping 4-on-the-floor dance beats. Just soulful, sparse reflection.How this relates to T* stuff is if you ever do electrolysis and need something to take your mind somewhere else for about an hour, try this CD.
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Yesterday I went to the company cafeteria only to find it closed for the July 4th week. I grumbled, but remembered there's a strip mall with a bunch of shops just across the street. As I turned to walk to the mall I saw one of my colleagues strolling up with his son in his arms and daughter cavorting around at his feet. Apparently it was his turn to watch the kids and he took them to work. I told him that the cafe was shut down this week and he grumbled too. But since I was walking in the direction of the mall he decided he might as well try his luck over there too.
So there we were walking and talking and as we approached to cross the street I saw the daughter running off ahead, just a little too close to the traffic for my comfort. So I called out to her and asked if she'd take my hand. She was this total ball of energy and within like a half second there she was clutching my hand...
As we waited for the traffic to clear, my colleague with his son in his arms, me with the daughter, I started to think about how it might be if I ever have a family. Would I like to be a mom? Absolutely. I'm not ready yet right now, but there's that little bit of hope in my heart which would love for it to be true one day. I know kids aren't perfect---I terrorized my Mom to be sure---but I'm willing to take that challenge. I don't want to have kids just for the sake of being "normal" per se, but because I'd hope to help shape another person's future such that they might be able to go out into the world and help put a little love back into it. Aw, nuts, I'm getting all teary thinking about it.
I don't know where my life is heading. I don't know if I'll find a lifelong companion. But when I think of the little girl and I together it makes me dream happy thoughts...
Technorati tags: Will Ackerman, children, parenting, transsexual,, MTF.
Thursday, 2005.07.07:
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Updated 2005.07.07 12:30 PDT: By now you must have heard about the incidents in London. This is quite saddening. For more coverage you can visit:
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I've been really lazy about putting up new photos from labiaplasty, sorry. It has been on my mind a lot lately since I'm sure there are a number of you out there who have wondered how it all turned out. Well, wait no more! I finally put up some new "clean" ones so you can see how things look without hair occluding it all. IMHO, it actually looks half decent, though the clitoris is rather high. When Kara had her SRS she requested hers to be located a bit lower.
As you can see there is a good amount of hooding over the clitoris. One difference between most GGs and my "configuration" is that most girls I've seen have a hood that folds within the labia majora. Unfortunately, that's not quite possible with Dr. Meltzer's technique (or any others that I've seen) and I suppose it would require almost a 3rd surgery to get things to look that way. But, still I think I'm within the general anatomical variation of most women.
The scarring at the labia edge is finally starting to go away. When you first come out from surgery I swear that the edges resemble pasta (e.g. agnolotti or tortelli) due to the suture stitching. Also, I'm really glad the big vertial scar just above the clitoris is healing up.
One annoyance with the labiaplasty is that near the perineum all sorts of nasty things seem to get trapped there, namely toilet paper. I mean, it almost forms a little lip similar to the hooding over the clitoris. This is all the more reason to dilate more than a couple times a week since our neo-vaginas don't "flush" themselves out down there.
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Looks like Thunderbird is going to get podcasting support. Hm. Some people like Alice already do this. Hm.
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Speaking of blogging, I'm trying out the new Technorati tags stuff. You'll start seeing a small "tagline" at the bottom of the page.
Technorati tags: labiaplasty, SRS, Toby Meltzer, clitoris, hooding, Thunderbird, Technorati, tags, tag, blog, transsexual,, MTF.
Friday, 2005.07.08:
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Ugh. All the rapid weight gain I mentioned about a week ago is really sucky. I've been watching what I eat for dessert and what I drink with meals. I'm not trying to starve myself or even do a D-I-E-T, but I"m trying to ensure I still fit into my jeans. It was ridiculous but after I noticed my weight shot up I also noticed I couldn't squeeze into a number of my clothes. It was pretty sad! I got depressed for a couple days too. I guess this is how my Mom feels sometimes---she's been fighting weight battles for as long as I can remember.
Weight gain really plays with your emotions. You don't want to be fat, but you just are. And there's no quick solution to it. It's not like when your car is broken and you just take it to the store to get it fixed in a few days. No, weight loss means you have to change your thinking and change your lifestyle---two things which feel as difficult as making the Earth spin in the opposite direction. It's so easy to just give in and say "I'm fat, f--k it. Since I'm not getting any thinner you might as well pass the ice cream back to me." But you can't give up.
What sort of keeps me from giving in is that I look at my parents who are both really overweight, sedentary, on tons of medication, and now are both diabetic. They're only in their 60s too. (Personally, I'd like to be on this planet a little longer.)
Technorati tags: HRT, Hormone Replacement Therapy, obesity, transsexual,, MTF.
Saturday, 2005.07.09:
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I guess I did a real number on myself back last Sunday when I was out on that long drive because I still have all these sunburn patches. I knew I should have been wearing sunscreen, but I was also kinda hoping to get a bit more sun to erase the dual camisole/bikini lines. Fortunately my two bikini tops are both the halter kind so hopefully those strap lines will overlap OK.
Technorati tags: sunburn, tan lines, transsexual,, MTF.
Sunday, 2005.07.10:
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I was following a link from Jay Sennett's blog, here's article by Lissa Harris about being an MTF trans and being homeless. I used to fear this a lot before I began my transition period, and I still do. I mean I hope it won't happen to me or anyone I know, but I've known more than one person who has scraped the bottom of the barrel and has come that close to being homeless. There are some more thoughts about this in the Ramblings section.
Technorati tags: MTF, Jay Sennett, Lissa Harris, Boston's Weekly Dig, trans, transsexual, homeless, transsexual,, MTF.
Monday, 2005.07.11:
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Aside from one minor snafu the past weekend was totally relaxing and that's just what I needed. Stayed up all night Friday playing video games online with the old group of friends I used to room/go to school with, paid my bills, cleaned my apartment, slept in until the afternoons, went for a long walk, finally caught up on Tuck, listened to like a ton of CDs... I think everyone needs personal downtime once in a while. I've been running at full-speed for so long I actually appreciate things like this.
Technorati tags: transsexual,, MTF.
Tuesday, 2005.07.12:
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Venting is good. Damn is it good. You know, sometimes you have to just get stuff out of your system. Thank goodness for girlfriends. People that actually listen and understand.
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Speaking of girlfriends, this week is one of my ex's birthdays. Sometimes I think back and wonder what we could have done different and if we might have stayed together and whatnot. But, like anyone can change the past. One thing, though, that rolls around in my head is how I think it sucked I wasted so many years of her youth with her being in a relationship with me only to have it end just before I transitioned. I mean, transition totally sucks in that regard---you leave a wake of broken hearts. Even though she says "well, you really had no choice so I'm not upset about that with you", still it sux0rs. I hope she finds a good man, though. (The one that's after her right now is a bit of a dipsh--, 'scuse my French.)
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OK, onto less serious topics. I just saw that War of the Worlds movie and I would just like to say I'm glad I had a discount ticket. Don't worry, I won't give away the plot. Oh, wait? What plot? Really, it's basically a scary CG movie about how Tom Cruise's character is trying very hard not to be burninated. (That's a Peasant's Quest reference for you.) Was it a terrible movie? No. But it ended abruptly and really didn't go to explain how the tide of battle swiftly turned to our favor---I had to ask a friend what the book had to say about all of this.
Technorati tags: venting, War of the Worlds, Tom Cruise, burninated, Peasant's Quest, transsexual,, MTF.
Wednesday, 2005.07.13:
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Today I finally closed up one of my old "boy" e-mail accounts. Unfortunately since this was a web mail system and it had no POP3 or IMAP available I had to go through each of the like 400 messages left to figure out what to forward and keep. In the process of doing so I ran across so much old information that it was really a trip back thru memory lane. I mean, there were things in there since long before I even thought about transition and then there were the messages about me coming out.
In the pack of those ones there were a whole section where I was in serious talks with my then-girlfriend and it just really sucked what I put her through. I mean, we didn't really fight but you could just see how both of us weren't happy that I was going down this path and in the process it was just depressing her too. I'm actually glad we split up amicably because I think it helped give her a little closure. Man, I hate the fact that transition leaves so many broken hearts in its wake.
Anyways, it's all over and done with. Mail account terminated. Another piece of history relegated to some digital archives somewhere else. *sigh* When you "move on" do you really ever "move on"?
Technorati tags: coming out, transition, breaking up, transsexual,, MTF.
Thursday, 2005.07.14:
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OK, there's nothing that quite ruins your day as like getting a bad photo taken. Earlier this week I went and got my picture taken for some official documentation and it was ... oh my gosh ... sucktastic. I mean, it was so bad it made me cringe and the guy that printed it out kinda snickered. And it's at times like this when I remember why I want to have FFS. I knew I should have done it. I suppose I can still do it. But that's like $40K I don't have right now. Plus time off from work. Ugh. UGH. UGH!!!
I suppose for most everyday things I'm fine. I get by in the world without a problem. And I know FFS isn't the solution to everything. But I know the parts I would change. And it is in these recent photos that all the worst parts are completely obvious. *cry* I don't want to be beautiful necessarily, but I definitely don't want to 1) look masculine, 2) look like I've got a mustache going on, 3) have scraggly hair. I showed the pic to Kara and she was like:
Amber: you CANNOT tell me that [in the photo] 1) doesn't look like a guy with long hair and 2) is a really bad facial expression.Sucktastic. Totally totally f'in sucktastic.
Amber: i don't even look like that on a daily basis.
Kara: ok, you're right...first impression was 'dhuuuude'
Technorati tags: sucktastic, FFS, Facial Feminization Surgery, transsexual,, MTF.
Friday, 2005.07.15:
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It's pretty hard to get motivated about work these days. When I first started out doing databases and web pages it was pretty fun. It was a challenge trying to figure out how to build a workable interface that average users could use without an instruction manual. Now these days it's just plain boring. I really need a job that sort of taps into my creative side. Sometimes I wonder about taking a prolonged vacation, but then again I don't think that'd be the smartest career move.
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By the way, I would urge you to consider the In Case of Emergency (ICE) initiative being spearheaded by East Anglian Ambulance NHS Trust. Just simply create an address book entry called "ICE" and put in the number to your emergency contact. Simple and effective. Thanks to Auntie Solder for this tip.
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I'm also feeling a little better about yesterday. A little more hopeful maybe? I don't know. My confidence was just completely sucked out from me. I mean, I work hard at trying to make this transition work---don't ever let anyone tell you this is easy. But maybe there are certain things which just can't be changed? I was going to say that it seems unfair that you can work so hard and yet things don't seem to improve some days, but I guess things could be a lot worse. Putting it in perspective, the embattled people of Iraq have probably gone through a lot more hardship than I have. (In my case it's more embarrassment that I'm trying to avoid.)
Technorati tags: workplace morale, ICE, In Case of Emergency, East Anglian Ambulance NHS Trust, transsexual,, MTF.
Saturday, 2005.07.16:
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So here I am opening up my mail (actually my "male" mail, because it was addressed to the old me) and there is this letter. So I open it. And like it has a check from a credit card class action lawsuit settlement in it. I'm like, "oh, hello..." Dear Mr. So-and-So, (sir?! grr!) Attached below is a check representing your share of the Settlement Fund distribution in the class action entitled blah-blah-blah. OK, I skim down to the part where there is a nicely printed check in the amount of...
$0.28
Hm. Yeah. 28 cents. Wow. It actually cost them more to send me the stupid letter than it was worth! And the fact that it's not in my current name means I'd have to haggle them for the $0.28. Um, I think I'll pass. Thank you for giving me another piece of paper to shred.
Speaking of which, a good cross-cut shredder is really handy.
And now for something completely different...
Planarity. This will cause temporary insanity. Not quite as entertaining as Yeti Sports, but still fun.
Technorati tags: class action lawsuits, checks, Planarity, Yeti Sports, transsexual,, MTF.
Sunday, 2005.07.17:
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One would think by now I'd have figured out which sex I want to date. And you'd probably assume that I'd be only after boys. Well, I guess now that I've had more time to think about it, I'm just sexually confused. hehehe... Most of the time now I think I'm into guys but once in a while a girl comes along that just makes me sort of stop and ponder the moment. So I guess if someone asks about my sexual preference the only answer I can give is "yes".
I know I must have mentioned this before, but anyways, I think what I'm really attracted to is not necessarily physical beauty (although obviously that goes a long way during an initial encounter), I think it's the personality that I'm looking for. Especially the whole debacle with my guy friend that has been chasing after me, it all just reinforced the type of person I want. And somewhere out there I think there's that strong-yet-sensitive intelligent guy (or girl) that'll just make me melt. There's been a couple who fit that description but they're already taken. (Dang it!!! Why is it always like that?!!) So, the search continues...
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In unrelated news, I just read about the Audi-Oh vibrator that plugs into your iPod or other portable music device. And the little thing is shaped like a butterfly. Aw...how cute! Of course, I guess, if you're looking for something not so cute and more functional, there's always the She-Shell.
Technorati tags: sexual preference, GLBT, metrosexual, vibrators, iPod, Audi-Oh, She-Shell, transsexual,, MTF.
Monday, 2005.07.18:
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Huh. Weird. So I was talking to someone over the Internet that I may meet up with and basically said to her "well, sure, as long as you keep my info private" to which she basically said "oh, I already know your full name and where you live". What? No way. I have never met this person before or talked to her until recently---at least to my recollection. And I move around a lot too. So the only way she would know this is if someone had given the info out.
Well, I was a bit taken aback by this.
I'm generally pretty protective of my information and that isn't so much because I'm trying to be 100% stealth (because, really, that's quite hard). Rather, I already have enough interruptions in my life and I'm trying to focus on getting my own head straight---you can't do that if ppl are always finding you. Also there is a certain personal security factor out there too. There is a reason many of us use pseudonyms on the Internet.
Technorati tags: stealth, full-time, transsexual,, MTF.
Tuesday, 2005.07.19:
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Better. I feel better after venting a little yesterday. (Venting is good, right? That's why we have blogs, right?) I thought a little bit more about how the information "leak" could have happened and it's really not a leak---it wasn't intentional. It was most likely the case that a whole bunch of people over a period of time had said one tiny thing or another and when you piece all the bits together it formed the complete information.
I really think the situation manifested itself just by nature of the fact of how connected we all are and how small T* community is. And I wish it wasn't the case that we keep sort of hiding outselves behind pseudonyms and false addresses but I guess that reality will be with us for some time to come.
Technorati tags: stealth, full-time, transsexual,, MTF.
Wednesday, 2005.07.20:
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It has been like forever since I've read Ellen Hayes' Tuck. Way back when I thought Tuck was really cool---I mean I still do. At first I thought it would just be some raunchy sex fiction, but really it turned out to be one of those really intense insightful tales that puts you right in that main character's frame of mind. And it's scary. It's like you're there and experiencing this rollercoaster where Tuck doesn't really quite understand what's happening around him and he's like this pathetic (in the sense of pathos) character you really wish would just find that right place in his life. And then there's Tucky Seasons. Oh and that Tuck Squared fanfic by Rachel Greenham that just kinda drives it all home. (That story still brings tears to my eyes.)
It's weird because on the one hand you know it's all fiction. But on the other it is a situation that is almost completely probable. The characters are ... I don't know ... so 3-D. When I reread some of the stories it's like I have an exact picture of who they are and how they sound, almost like a friend you've known for years. That's pretty powerful writing.
So, I guess this is a long way to say if you think it's cool too then maybe send a little monetary support to Ellen? There's a little PayPal link off her page there.
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By the way, a Perl script I use for personally reformatting the text files into HTML files is available here:
_tuck2html.plPlease note that you use this at your own risk and I am not to be held liable for any damages direct or indirect. You'll also need to install a version of Perl if you don't already have one---see ActiveState for Windows™ builds.
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Oh, and check out the Google Moon page. OMG. Zoom in all the way to get a really remarkable moon surface picture... hehehe.
Technorati tags: The Saga of Tuck, Ellen Hayes, Tucky Seasons, Tuck Squared, Google Moon, transsexual,, MTF.
Thursday, 2005.07.21:
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I like to make funny. But sometimes, the joke just writes itself...
I was checking logs of people who came here from a search engine query. (I wonder if they really found what they were looking for when they finally clicked onto Amberspace?) I have to say there were some real gems in there:
- constant feeling of wetness in the vaginal area
- maruchan instant ramen dangers
- tivo itch cream joe montana
- excel freon recovery log
- i douched
- photos of muscular men in clothing
- azure tower defense tips
- Who has the bigger belly
- what happened len steal my sunshine
- sperm swallowing procedures
Technorati tags: search engine, logs, Amberhacking, transsexual,, MTF.
Friday, 2005.07.22:
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You know, I don't think I've ever heard rap (or I guess spoken word) that really made me depressed. No, really. After hearing Disco Shawn spin Sage Francis during the Live 105 Subsonic show. (He played Sage's Slow Down Gandhi.) So, there I was sitting in my car listening to the rhymes pouring out of the speakers...
...The rest of the songs are less political and more about life, street cred, love, lost love, insane love, and trying to make it in the music biz. Like him or hate him, at least I find his verbal creativity more provoking than:
In fact, that's the reason for the high horse. / From here I can see the marine in hummers on a conquest. / Underdogs with Wonderbras in a push up contest. / All for the sake of military recruitment. /
...
Who would they die for? / Is it the same machine that leaves the quality of your life poor? / An abominable colony of cyborgs / Clogging up the property that I bought with eye sores. /
...
Now it's whistle blower vs the pistol holder. Case dismissed. / They'll lock you up and throw away the key witness. / Justice is the whim of a judge. Check his chest density. / The West Memphis 3 lost paradise. / Now it's death penalty vs Suicidal Tendencies.
Buy it, use it, break it, fix it, / Trash it, change it, melt - upgrade it, / Charge it, pawn it, zoom it, press it, / Snap it, work it, quick - erase it,
...
"Technologic", Daft Punk
Technorati tags: Sage Francis, A Healthy Distrust, Slow Down Ghandi, hip-hop, rap, transsexual,, MTF.
Saturday, 2005.07.23:
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It's cool being a rock star if only for a few hours.
Our little band played tonight at a friend's cafe
and it was pretty cool. Aside from technical problems
and a few screwups I think it went over swimmingly
and people really enjoyed themselves. I like making
music but I love making people enjoy the show.It's funny but the other guys were nervous. And I thought about that: I wasn't even nervous. (I was more frustrated at some of our glitches.) I guess that's a good sign if I ever decide to take the stage for real one of these days. Heh.
Technorati tags: music, concerts, rock star, transsexual,, MTF.
Sunday, 2005.07.24:
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Most times these days I seem to walk out of a movie theater just thinking "gee, I'm glad I paid discount prices for this shii-take." But I saw the trailer for Rize and it caught my eye. So a few of us headed up to San Francisco yesterday night to go see David LaChapelle's movie at the tiny Opera Plaza Cinema. OMG. That movie so rocked. I'd encourage anyone to go out and see it. (It's only showing at a handful of theaters.)
The gist of it is a documentary following clowning and krumping from its start in the Los Angeles hoods by Tommy the Clown. He first did his hip-hop clowning as spontaneous entertainment for a friend's birthday party, and out of it grew a whole new dance scene---and a business. Somewhere down the road some of the clowns went off to find their own more provacative style in krumping. Tommy wasn't going to be bested by them, so he created this mega dance competition called Battle Zone.
The whole urban dance scene is giving people a healthy alternative to violence and drugs in a city where sometimes there isn't a way out of your daily life. It's art, it's entertainment, it gives people purpose, and it gives people community. How cool is that? There are times when the movie is downright depressing, showing that even though there are people trying to do some good in the community that there continues to be violence and fear. There seems to be no DMZ.
Anyways, go see it. BET also had a positive review of the film.
...
So how does this relate to transgender things?
I was thinking throughout the movie that here you have not only a very poor community but also a polarized one. Either you're the Bloods or the Crips. Men or women. In a gang or in a clown/krump group. It's all about cliques and subdivisions of society. It almost seems that with all of the violence, povery, and social issues that one's own queerness really takes backseat. You can get killed just by being in the wrong place at the wrong time; imagine if you advertise you're not straight. There have to be gay and TG kids among the krumpers---statistically it has to be true. But of course, they're not going to compromise their livelihoods.
OK, let's suppose you do have supportive (and discreet) family and friends and they're cool with you being queer. Let's say you're transgendered and want to transition. Where are you going to find the money? Where are you going to find a job that will be OK with you transitioning? Where can you safely reassimilate? I'm almost betting that if you want to transition that you have to move to a more hospitable part of L.A. (Which, in a way, is almost ironic because that greater L.A. area has soooo many transgendered people, including some of the top TG-friendly docs in the world.)
It's times like this I'm reminded of how lucky many of us are to have lives that allow us to deal with being queer. We have decent jobs, homes that don't have fences, educated family, open-minded friends, etc. We're not in the middle of a war zone where survival is paramount. I really wish everyone could have this sort of freedom.
Technorati tags: clowning, krumping, Rize, David LaChapelle, Tommy the Clown, transgendered, queer, GLBT, transsexual,, MTF.
Monday, 2005.07.25:
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It has also been quite a while since I've been impressed by an anime, especially a full-CG one. (For those of you who remember Final Fantasy The Spirits Within you might shudder at another beautiful-looking film with chunky motion capture.) So when I picked up the Appleseed Limited Collector's Edition I was semi-skeptical, but Masamune Shirow is a fave of mine. I'm happy to report that while the story isn't groundbreaking this is now one of my favorite anime of all time.
The first thing that will jump out at you is the fact the characters move like real people. Finally, motion capture done right. Done painstakingly right. The motions are fluid, the facial expressions very detailed, and the physics are generally spot-on. There is palpable emotion in everything and the entire world feels so alive. Talk about raising the bar on CG feature films! (They even coined a new term, "3D Live Anime".)
Appleseed tells of a fairly complex political struggle and I think the screenwriters did an excellent job of breaking it down for all of us. (If you ever read the manga, there's a lot of dialogue in it.) Even during the longer passages where our main character, Deunan Knute, is being lectured by her rescuer, Hitomi, the pace still moves along and just makes you more interested to learn more.
The 3-D environment is so detail-packed it really warrants almost pausing frame-by-frame. Granted, it is mostly aerial shots of the city and its vehicles, so you don't get a sense of city life per se. However, the characters are center stage, and the background very nicely frames them.
Critics seem to waver on whether or not it was good. In my opinion, for a 105-minute movie it does quite well. The focus is on the action, the mecha, the humanness of the characters, and the politics. If you're looking for deep love relationships or some profound thoughts, you'd best look elsewhere.
Interested parties should visit the official English Appleseed site---which is so much better than the Japanese one.
Technorati tags: Appleseed, Masamune Shirow, transsexual,, MTF.
Tuesday, 2005.07.26:
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Recently I spent the evening over at my parent's place. Dad has been pretty nerdy lately and got a new laptop, but he wasn't apparently nerdy enough to go out and get a wireless router. Well, ha ha, he apparently went out and found a 802.11g DLink for $19. Yes. $19. OMG I'm so jealous. But I digress... So I went over to say hullo to the both of my parentals and help them set it up. Wow that was easy. I did a little something extra to help them not broadcast their SSID to the rest of the neighborhood---a little security is better than none.
Anyways, so what was cool about this was my parents were actually using "Amber" consciously. Not all the time, but quite a bit. That made me smile. It is encouraging to see them trying. And Mom cooked up a yummy casserole, so that really made my day extra happy. Yay!
They actually went to my last band gig and met a bunch of my friends and bandmates. Mom asked me tonight, "do they know about you [and the transition]?" I kinda shrugged. "Some do, and some don't. At least I've never said anything about it." "What about your band guys?" "I haven't brought it up and I don't think it's relevant." It was kind of a weird conversation where you could hear the gears in my Mom's head turning.
Truth be told, almost everyone including the band guys probably knows, but they've never treated me any way different. And since I don't care to make an issue out of it (and neither do they) I think we'll just put it in the "don't ask don't tell" category. Besides, we have bigger problems to worry about before our next performance. And that's the way I like it.
Technorati tags: wireless LAN, parental units, transsexual,, MTF.
Wednesday, 2005.07.27:
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I was talking to a friend recently who made mention that she really misses playing her musical instruments ever since she started her new job. I mean really misses it. I think this is one of those things where she is a very creative person and without a creative outlet she goes bonkers. I'm similar. Fortunately I meet up with the band guys once a week and I'm usually working on a song competition or two.
...
What buffoonery. "Shot man not connected to bombing". Granted, people are really edgy in London these days and having a man running from the police is a good way to get yourself shot. But why not use some of the new stun gun stuff to at least verify the person is doing what you think he's doing?
Friends' sites of Jean: Finn. Already a Wiki for him: Wikipedia.
Technorati tags: musicians, transsexual,, MTF.
Thursday, 2005.07.28:
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I find it really amazing how the trans scene has changed over the past 7 or so years that I've been reading, researching, and living it.
I remember when I started out I was just a couple years out of college and really getting into the Internet. I found all this information on the TransGendeRing and read through so much of it. But one thing struck me, there was like no one out there in my age range it seemed. And when I joined a support group, I was so much the youngest person I had no peer, really.
For instance, I used to go down to this shop at lunchtime to chat with other trans people, but felt so out of place. Most of the people I met were of the CD/TV variety, most 40+, most married at least once, several with kids, and no where did I really feel that my reality of being youth and trans was being addressed. In fact, I firmly believe that if I had met a group of my peers at the time I probably would have transitioned 3 or 4 years earlier.
No, I'm not really bitter about that, but it's just a thought that rambles through my head once in a while. I think two relatively recent moments in my life really reinvigorated my thrust to get transition done and over with: 1) I met one of the nicest and most normal groups of trans at the end of 2003. That and during 2004 I actually met a whole slew of people who were actually my peers. Wow.
I guess this is my roundabout way of saying I wish I had trans role models that were my peers. Sure, the general information about which doctors to talk to, advice on coming out, and how to navigate the legal system remains pretty much the same across all age groups, but there are lots of nuances that affect you at different stages of your life. Today is soooo different.
If you go and search for "transgender youth" you now come back with quite a bit of stuff. And people are doing it really early too, while still in junior high or high school. There are plenty of role models and discussion groups and web rings. (FTMs seem to be just as prevalent as MTFs. Cool!)
Another intersting change that I think I've been witnessing (but can't confirm) is that previously most of us trans had to stick together to get info and find support. Nowadays, people (especially true of the younger ones) seem to be getting help from their non-TG friends. It's like they already sorta are accepted and their friends just nudge them in the right directions. It's as if there is no need for TG support groups anymore, except maybe virtually---a number of the youth resources I looked up seemed to lead to expired pages or disbanded groups. Weird. But still if you look around a lot of people's personal pages still exist.
I can say that in my personal experience the last time I set foot in any sort of TG group was in 2002, and that was after a 3 year absence too. I rely mostly on advice from GGs. And when I need to vent some TG-related frustrations, I still keep in touch with a number of other TSes.
...
Now, on the lighter side, an very interesting new application for Google Maps combines the HotOrNot site to give you: Hot People By Zip Code. That's hot!
Technorati tags: transgender youth, TransGendeRing, transition, transsexual, HotOrNot, Google Maps, Hot People By Zip Code, transsexual,, MTF.
Friday, 2005.07.29:
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Hehehe...Looks like the site traffic is jumping up again. I guess most of you thought this site was pretty much out of commission back in April when I stopped writing. I guess some things take higher priority than others...
For a while there were a number of people who complained I wasn't on instant messenging anymore. Actually, that was true. When I'm at work I work and it's hard to keep chat windows open while you're in meetings. Then after work I'd always be running off to some other event.
In a way that's pretty cool I'm starting to get a semblance of a social life back. Then again, it's also pretty taxing. I almost need a strong cup of coffee in the morning to get me going! (And when I don't I'm now starting to get headaches...poo.) This is sort of one of the reasons I have been thinking more strongly about taking that time off. I want to just unwind and relax a little so I can focus on things I like to do rather than just pay bills.
With the recent events in London and how my boss' boss just had a major medical problem, it goes to remind me that no matter how well you plan your life there is always some snafu that comes up. You really have to "seize the day", as they say. If something isn't going to kill you, you might as well do it and take a little risk because when your life is done don't you want to say you at least had some fun with it?
Sort of on a deeper level I realize how insignificant I really am in this world. Like, sure I program computers and make my clients happy, but in the end does it really matter? Did making a more efficient database or a handicap-accessible web form really change the world for the better? I want to do something that touches other people for their betterment. (Something outside of this trans stuff, I mean.) You know, something for the "greater good".
I guess I get to thinking about this world in general and how it needs a little more love to go around. It saddens me when I think that even in this century we're still resorting to violence to solve everything. Really, this world is big enough for all 6 billion of us.
Technorati tags: mortality, transsexual,, MTF.
Saturday, 2005.07.30:
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I swear, someone out there is earning some Negative Karma today. Thank you, Mr. I-Took-Your-Pizza-Dinner-Out-Of-The-Company-Fridge Person. OMFG. Especially when I labeled the pizza wrapper. I am so totally going to poison the pizza with habañeros next time.
...
But onto better things.
The Da Vinci Code will be in theaters next spring/summer! The book rocks. But why oh why is Tom Hanks cast in the lead role of Robert Langdon? I love the guy. However. I was hoping for a person little more gritty who can still play a guy with keen eyes. Hugh Jackman (drool) is a bit too muscular, but what about Clive Owen? Eric Bana? John Corbett? Actually, even Alfred Molina (cast as Bishop Aringarosa) could probably play the role too.
Audrey Tautou is OK for Sophie, but Julie Dreyfus could have worked. Paul Bettany is probably going to make a great Silas. His (IMDB photo is perfect.) And I'm sure Ian McKellen will makes us proud as Sir Teabing.
Technorati tags: The Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown, Tom Hanks, Robert Langdon, transsexual,, MTF.
Sunday, 2005.07.31:
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It's 5:10a Sunday morning. I've been up since 8:00a the day before running on nothing much more than the wake of my Red Bull buzz and half a cheeseburger. My voice is raspy and hurts like all heck too. But it was so worth it. And, I'm still thinking about him...
H is a cool guy. I don't think I've written about him much before but we have a few common interests, one being music. He just heard about this concert down at the 12 Galaxies club and so we played phone tag during the afternoon trying to figure out the where/when/what/who. It was decided that I'd meet him at his house. And, of course, I got there fashionably late.
I was waiting outside his house and his car pulled up, passenger door clicking unlocked. I slid into the seat and he had this grin on his face. Into my lap he plunked a big warm bag full of ... Popeyes chicken? Eh? Apparently we were going to dinner at his friend's house before heading up to the City. And this was our contribution to their meal which was already supposed to be mostly BBQ meat.
He's just the kind of guy I can instantly have a conversation about anything or nothing anytime. But it doesn't get boring, you know? So we talked about nothing in particular on the way over to his friends' place and on the way up to the club---his friends came too. Some more people were waiting for us up there too.
From the time that Duran Duran Duran (yes, DDD) took the stage to when Mandonna (yes, with an "N" in it) finished their last encore we were drinking and dancing and singing together. Even if we weren't doing anything specifically together, he is still cool to be around. Thinking about it makes me smile.
After we left the club and after everyone was dropped off at their respective cars/houses, it was just the two of us. I was hungry for something to munch on and he knew this late night burger place, so we split a cheeseburger. Yes, I know I was already having meat-overload from dinner's Popeyes and BBQ ribs, but I didn't care. We were out until like 3:00a talking and stuff. I hugged him goodbye and started the long drive home...
I guess I'm a little scared of dating still. It's new ground for me. I mean, I've dated before of course, but here I am in girl mode and I'm the "chased" not the "chaser". I've had other people interested in me but I didn't really feel anything much back towards them. This time with H it's different. I don't know why. It just feels different. It's a good feeling though...
*sigh!* ...
So more about DDD and Mandonna. In a word, they're entertainment. Crazy entertainment.
Duran Duran Duran is a Duran Duran tribute band and they do a good job of it. They did all the classic hits. Notorious. Rio. Hungry Like the Wolf. Reflex. Girls on Film. Check out their web site! It totally got the crowd jumping.
And then.
Stage hands started showing up for the next act.
The band stepped onto the scene.
The first half-naked dancer came out.
Then the second.
And finally the man himself, Mark Edwards, appeared in all his full-bearded glory. Yes. Bearded. As the LA Weekly describes him, "think carnival bearded lady ... in Marie Antoinette garb". OMG. It was hilarious! Mark belts out Vogue, Lucky Star, and Material Girl in his raging baritone voice in full genderfuck drag. For Like a Virgin he's in a wedding dress, but runs offstage to plump up his belly for Papa Don't Preach. And after he pops out the "child" (a small pink beach ball) he goes body surfing over the crowd. O. M. F. G! And the music was good too! Total entertainment. Go see them if you can---Aug 13 at Bimbo's is their next one.
Incidentally, we also saw one of SF's street icons, Frank Chu, who proclaims something about "quintrological galaxies and alphatronic rockifications" and of course "12 galaxies". Apparently he frequented this place called Club Galia that was renamed to 12 Galaxies. If you want to hear this guy ramble, watch the video.
Technorati tags: boyfriends, relationships, 12 Galaxies, Mandonna, Madonna, Mark Edwards, Duran Duran Duran, Duran Duran, Club Galia, Frank Chu, transsexual,, MTF.
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Entries may show the mood for the day. From best to worst moods here's the list:
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Abysmal
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