amberspace

Amberspace: Information resources for transsexual (TS) and transgendered (TG) persons. Follow the journey of Amber, a post-transition MTF TS. Please use a browser which supports style sheets or make sure that JavaScript is enabled. Perhaps upgrade to the latest Internet Explorer, Netscape, or Mozilla?

	amberspace				"Been there. Been that."	Last updated on 2006.08.10.

home · updates · writings: blogger ramblings · experiences: timeline thinking deep going out coming out procedures ffs srs meds voice legal stuff tips/advice · resources: links glossary · about: transsexuality me (faq) amberspace · contact

ramblings

A Wish
1998.12.12

To set the stage, at this point I'm still in the closet, so to speak. The only people who know about Amber are some friends on the Net and my counselor. And, I'm planning somewhere in early 1999 to break the news about my soul searching to friends and family.

As a kid, I grew up thinking that Christmas was the coolest time of the year. There were lights everywhere, happy reindeer music in the malls, and there was this chubby guy in a red suit who took a picture with you. Best of all, you could beg your parents and relatives for stuff and if you were pretty good and the request was reasonable, you had a good chance of getting it all wrapped up in colorful paper. Of course, I'd say the usual "naw, you don't have to get me anything", but that implied a non-confrontational request for the other person to get something for me. This is what I used to think Christmas was all about: getting cool stuff. But this year is a little different.
      This year, I really do mean that the other person doesn't owe me a thing. That's because this year's wish, for the first time, doesn't focus on what I get, but what I already have. You see, what I had been asking for were material things and now I'm needing emotional things you can't possibly buy. My wish this year is to be able to keep my friends and family after I let them know what's going on.
      Sure, I could wish for a magical wand or the knowledge of some incantation that I could use to flip between a male and female body, but it still wouldn't dive to the heart of my want: I don't want to hurt anyone, to lose anyone. I've always valued friendship and the bonds of family, but where I'm planning on venturing will certainly test the integrity of those bonds. I know some of them will break, some will stretch, and some will become even stronger. Who will run away from me and who will comfort me I cannot predict. I just know the haunting realities of "coming out" after reading autobiographies and talking to people.
      I know my wish won't come completely true, but I'm hoping that most of it will. I can always earn money to buy material things, but I can't buy friendship. As strong as I try to be, I am only human and one of my basic needs is companionship. Coming out smacks common sense right in the head because we all know that there are a great number of people who have ill feelings towards transgendered folk, which almost certainly drives them away from you. I've spent 24 years of my life emulating and practicing on how not to drive people away by conforming to the male code of living. But this is something I must do. There is no alternative.
      Regardless of whether I decide to transition or not, I simply cannot bring myself to hide this kind of a secret forever. One of my strong beliefs for building long-lasting relationships is honesty. If I have to withhold information from those I love, then I'm only being a hypocrite. (Of course, I can't simply come out to everyone at once, but there will be a time and a place for each person I know---some may be years down the road though.) I want people to know who I am and to accept me for that. I want them to understand my struggles and my reasons for what I do. And, if they must turn away, then I would hope that they at least do so with the knowledge of why I put them through such a thing.
      I have almost brought myself to tears over this issue; the sheer anticipation of their reactions twists my fears. And, so in preparation of the inevitable, I make my simple Christmas wish. Please, Santa, please...?